


As the World Turns to Dust

by emilime



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Mamma Mia gets the appreciation it deserves, Alternate Universe - Minecraft YouTubers, Alternate Universe - Youtubers, Cecil is Described (Welcome to Night Vale), Horrible terrible no good euphemisms for masturbation, Human Cecil Palmer, I finally corrected the fucking blue apron slogan, M/M, Minecraft YouTuber AU, Pre-Relationship, Rated teen for language, and other ABBA related media, are you ready for this, dana maureen and kareem are basically the #internsquad, did I say 'has the f word twice' I meant 'the f word is in this a lot', god I could've sworn it was correct tho, it's a..., liberal mentions of ABBA, please... end me, there's angst I was wrong, they've got a group chat and everything, this is so cursed, tough times in the berenstain universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-05-31 16:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15123071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilime/pseuds/emilime
Summary: Carlos stumbles upon the most scientifically interesting Minecraft server he's ever seen: a strange little community by the name of Night Vale.





	1. Chapter 1, Because I Hate Myself

**Author's Note:**

> no proofreading for the cursed au we die like those funky little minecraft dudes  
> (alternate titles suggested by my boyfriend:  
> -Nightcraft  
> -Carlos Clicks a Link he Really Shouldn't Have  
> -How to Regret a Career Choice in Three Easy Steps)

“Someone left a comment for you."

Carlos looked up at the sound of Nilanjana’s voice. Usually their calls were spent in silence, her being busy with editing and him either doing research or killing time on his phone. He figured it ought to be something pretty important for her to bring it up, but part of him doubted it. Most comments left for him were either asking for a face reveal (or a dick reveal, he’d gotten that from a few of their more… forward viewers, who were promptly told to ‘contain their thirst’) or a collab, neither of which really appealed to him. He reluctantly opened his browser.

"Thanks, I'll check it out."

He scrolled down, skimming through the mess of comments that he no longer bothered to read. One gets tired of ‘isn't this for little kids’, and ‘why don't you have a real job’, and ‘r u gey’ pretty quickly when hundreds of variants of them are commented over and over every week. Back when he first started making Minecraft videos, he used to respond to comments like those with ‘people are allowed to enjoy things even if they aren't part of the target demographic’, or ‘I do, I work tech support part time, this is just a hobby’, or a simple ‘that's not relevant to the content’, but as the channel got more popular he ran out of time, and, if he was being honest, patience as well. After the others joined the channel, he developed a habit of ignoring the comments section altogether and letting them deal with it as they pleased. It wasn't a good habit, per se, but it worked for him.

He finally managed to find the comment in question, a single sentence with a dissected link.

 _Carlos, you should give this a look. It seems right up your alley,_ it read, followed by the unidentified link. He hovered his mouse over it suspiciously. People had left links to vile things before, pretending it was actually for a server website or something of the sort. (For some reason, the content usually involved furries. The content that the link led him to, not the content that they claimed the link would lead to. He wasn't into that kind of stuff.) He decided to get it over with and go wherever the link would lead him.

It was another video. Why did they feel the need to shorten the link through an external site? Did they want to seem as shady as possible? The video was unassuming, its thumbnail a picture of gameplay, edited only to add a purple episode number to the corner. He pressed play and was immediately met with a voice, sonorous and powerful.

“Something waits for us, dear listeners. Something unlike anything we've ever known, lying dormant beneath layer upon layer of soil and stone. Welcome to Night Vale." The man (or, at least, probably a man. Carlos didn't like to assume those sorts of things.) spoke slowly, deliberately, as if imbuing each individual word with a distinct intent, though Carlos remained unsure of what that intent was. "Before we start, I'd like to take a moment to talk about today's sponsor." _Oh, alright,_ Carlos thought. _They're a sellout._ "Do you consider yourself a good person? Look inside yourself. Do you? Look harder. _Do you?_ ” This caught him by surprise. He had been expecting Blue Apron, or something similar. _Must be for a self-improvement book, I guess._ The voice continued. “You don't. You think you're selfish. For wanting to be cared about, wanting to be loved as you love others. You see yourself as a burden upon your friends and loved ones. They shouldn't have to deal with me, you tell yourself. I'm keeping them from enjoying their lives, you say." _What the hell kind of sponsor is this?_ "Things would be so much easier if you weren't around, wouldn't they? Why _are_ you still around?” A pause. “Blue Apron: a better way to cook."

_Oh._

_…Wait, what?_

The video got progressively stranger the more Carlos watched, something he hadn’t thought possible. There were nigh game-breaking glitches practically every other moment, and they were never regarded with anything more than a ‘huh’, ‘not again!’, or, occasionally, just a laugh. Most unsettling of all were the ones simply treated as normal, as though they were an intentionally programmed function of the game. No, that wasn’t the most unsettling thing. The most unsettling thing, he realized, was the way he found himself beginning to accept the things the commentator (Cecil, he had learned) said without question. It was all too easy to let himself get drawn in by his voice, simply nod his head at the broken gameplay and continue listening to Cecil’s complaints about someone named Steve. “His builds don’t match the theme! And to top it all off, he used _jungle planks_ with _birch planks_! Who does he think he is?” Carlos couldn’t help but laugh. Cecil didn’t bat an eye at all of the weird bugs on his server but he got this riled up over ugly houses? It was actually kind of endearing, in an odd way.

Before he knew it, the video was over, and [some song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAYsnrsIBRE) was playing in place of an end card. He put on another video, and another. For research purposes, of course. In one video, Cecil offhandedly mentioned the server being open to any and all newcomers (interlopers, he called them. It didn’t seem as weird as it probably should have.). Carlos checked the description, and sure enough, there was an IP address. There was no questioning what had to be done. He’d have to go on the server, investigate a little bit, do some experiments, maybe interview some of the regulars about how long the glitches have been occurring and their frequency. This was not for personal reasons, he reassured himself. It was for science. And if science required him to become friends with Cecil, strange and charming Cecil, then so be it.

* * *

Carlos hesitated a long while before ‘logging the FUCK on’, as Mark called it, his cursor hovering over the connect button. _This is for science,_ he reminded himself. _This is not for personal reasons._

The spawn was pretty normal. If he had to guess, he would say it was some sort of town hall. The chat came to life at the bottom of his screen.

 

 **The_Voice >** Welcome!

 

Carlos was just about to send a message in reply when he realized there was no visible way out of spawn.

 

 **CarlosTheScientist >** hi. how do I get out of spawn?

 **The_Voice >** Just wait a little bit for City Council, they’ve got to look you over first.

 

 _Oh, alright. Some sort of roleplay thing._ Carlos figured he’d might as well get a good look at the spawn while he was trapped there. He tried to walk around, but found himself stuck in place. _Barrier blocks? Guess they don’t want people messing around here--_ His train of thought was lost as something large, pitch black, and, considering the server, probably extremely broken flew at him at top speed.

 

 **CarlosTheScientist >** jESUS CHRSIT

 

He wasn’t in the spawn anymore. That much was for certain.

 

 **The_Voice >** Are you alright, Carlos?

 **CarlosTheScientist >** um, I don’t know where I am, but yeah, I think so. something flew at me?

 **The_Voice >** Oh, that was City Council. Let me check the server map.

 

 _That_ was City Council?

 

 **CityCouncil messaged CarlosTheScientist:** binch

 

 _Huh. So it was. Alright then. Wait,_ _what_? Why was he so okay with this all of a sudden? It was the same strange feeling of calm acceptance that he got when he was watching Cecil’s videos: almost hypnotic, settling over him like a warm blanket. Another message appeared at the bottom of the screen.

 

 **The_Voice >** Oh, you’re over by Big Rico’s Pizza!

 **The_Voice >** No one does a slice like Big Rico.

 **The_Voice >** No one.

 

Carlos spun in his chair, certain that he heard a faint whisper of ‘no one’ from somewhere behind him.

 

 **The_Voice >** Anyway, you must be in the lab. How fitting! You are a scientist, after all. Finally, we have someone who can use it! It’s just been sitting vacant for who knows how long now.

 

As he looked around, he realized that the room _did_ look like a laboratory, or as close as something could get to a laboratory in Minecraft. (Blocks were a little hard to work with, but that was part of the fun.) It was kind of weird that they’d just so happen to have an empty laboratory ready for him, but he decided to chalk it up to coincidence.

A message popped up at the bottom of the screen.

 

**carlsberg167 has joined the game.**

**The_Voice >** Ugh.

 **carlsberg167 >** hi cecil!

 **The_Voice >** Hi, Steve.

 

Steve? Cecil had mentioned a Steve in his videos, right? _Oh right,_ Carlos remembered suddenly. _That’s the guy who makes the ugly houses._ He ought to say something to him. If he was going to frequent this server, which he planned on, he might as well make some friends. But what to say? He typed out a message.

hey steve|

He deleted it. He didn’t even personally know Steve yet, so he certainly wasn’t on a first name basis.

yo|

Deleted. Too casual.

what the FUCK is up|

He didn’t even know why he typed that one.

In the end, Cecil made his decision for him.

 

 **The_Voice > **Steve, this is Carlos. He just arrived today. He’s a scientist.

 

Cecil spoke (or, rather, typed) as though they were all standing together in person. It was a little bit weird, but also a little bit endearing.

 

 **carlsberg167 >** oh shoot! hi carlos!

 **CarlosTheScientist >** hi Steve.

 **carlsberg167 >** a scientist huh? that sounds really interesting!

 

_Why does Cecil dislike this guy so much? He seems really nice._

 

 **CarlosTheScientist > **yeah, me and my friends make videos covering bugs and glitches and stuff. irl I have a degree in computer science.

 **carlsberg167 >** you make videos? that’s cool! cecil makes videos too i think!

 **carlsberg167 >** are you still making those videos cecil?

 **The_Voice >** I don’t know, Steve. Are you still having sex with my sister?

 

_Oh._

 

 **carlsberg167 >** :(

 **The_Voice >** Don't you “:(“ at me, you bastard.

 **carlsberg167 >** ):

 **The_Voice >** DON'T DO THAT ONE EITHER.

 **CarlosTheScientist >** uh.

 

A pause. Carlos used the moment to look around the lab that was apparently his now.

 

 **The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist:** I am SO sorry about that, Carlos. Steve is just… ugh. I just can’t STAND him sometimes. He can be so ANNOYING.

 **CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice:** it’s alright. I just figured he’d be… different, from the way you talk about him in your videos.

 **The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist:** You’ve watched my videos???

 **CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice:** yeah, someone recommended them to me. you’re really good.

 **CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice:** at making videos.

 **The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist:** Aw, thank you!! That means a lot to me!

 **The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist:** Would you like for me to show you around town? Or anything?

 **CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice:** no, I think I’m good. thanks anyway.

 **The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist:** Alright! Well, feel free to let me know if you need anything! Or just want to talk. Or anything else. The station doors are always open.

 **The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist:**...Except when they’re not.

 **CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice:** alright, thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

 

With that all said and done, Carlos decided it was high time to buckle down and find some glitches.

* * *

There were so many glitches.

Before logging on, he had placed a notepad next to his computer, just in case something happened that he wanted to look further into. Less than thirty minutes later, the top sheet was covered in his rushed, chicken scratch handwriting, with important details (including “City Council”, “floating cat??”, and “OOZING????”) underlined. Next to the notepad, which he had spent around five minutes staring at, confused, his phone lit up. He typed in his password (“Erlenmeyer”, the best kind of flask) and looked at his notifications. _Cecil posted a new video already?_ He pulled up YouTube on his laptop and checked the date of his last video.

**Uploaded 1 day ago.**

_Wow, he sure works fast._ It wasn’t like he just threw up chunks of raw footage, either. The videos of his that Carlos had watched (which was all of them, a fact that he was a bit embarrassed to admit) had a decent amount of editing put into them. Maybe he had a team like Carlos did. Or maybe he was just really dedicated. _Who knows,_ Carlos thought, and then thought on it no longer, instead turning his attention to the newest video.

“Night Vale News #174: A New Arrival”, it read. Was it talking about him? If so, how did Cecil already have a twenty minute video ready with footage from today? Carlos only logged off two hours ago! He clicked on the video, sat through a thirty second ad for some pay-to-win mobile game, and listened intently as Cecil’s voice flooded his headphones.

“Knowledge is a gift. It is wrapped and tied with ribbon, waiting for you under the tree. The only question is whether or not you are brave enough to open it. Welcome to Night Vale.” Carlos found himself smiling, but he wasn’t entirely sure why. “Someone new came to Night Vale today, dear listeners, and what excellent timing they had. As many of you know, today was one of my monthly streams, and one thoughtful listener was kind enough to record it, so we were able to get this momentous occasion on tape. Thank you for that, cowboyfreak1975. For those of you who didn’t see the stream, here you go. Just a reminder, you can see all my future streams by clicking the link in the description.” There was a transition from the footage that had been playing (Cecil idly organizing chests as he spoke to the viewers) to what he presumed was footage from the stream. The audio quality was a little worse, probably because of either the streaming website or the software used by whoever recorded the stream, but Cecil’s voice was still just as enchanting.

 _Enchanting? Where did_ that _come from?_ Carlos decided that that was an issue to bury and maybe unearth and investigate at a later date. _Maybe_. He once again redirected his attention, this time to the footage from the stream.

“So, anyway--” Cecil stopped in the middle of whatever story he had been telling, and Carlos saw a message pop up at the bottom of the footage, an indication that he had joined. “Oh? Well, isn’t this something, dear listeners? It would appear someone new has come to Night Vale! A scientist, it would seem. How serendipitous; as you all know, I am _very_ into science.” Something about his tone felt downright obscene, but Carlos was probably just imagining it. “Let’s see how City Council feels about him.” A silence. Carlos didn’t need to look at the chat to know what was being said at that point: he remembered the moment well. “Oh, good! They like him! You know, it’s a _very good_ sign when City Council likes someone. Either that, or it’s a _very bad_ sign when City Council dislikes someone. It’s so hard to remember!” Carlos couldn’t help but laugh at that.

The rest of the footage from the stream was nothing Carlos hadn’t already seen coming. Cecil talks about the formerly empty lab, Big Rico’s, and how annoying Steve is. He talks about that last one a lot. The footage was cut right after his and Carlos’ conversation, and the video switched back to Cecil doing mundane tasks in game.

“Listeners, I got a good feeling about this scientist the very moment he joined our little community. You know how it is, sometimes you’ll just get a vibe that tells you ‘this person is trustworthy’, or ‘this person is unkind’, or ‘this person is going to die in three weeks’. Well, I did some scientific research of my own after he left, since he did say that he made videos, and I managed to find his channel.” Carlos didn’t know why, but that statement filled him with cold dread. “And let me tell you, listeners, he is even more amazing than I thought.” _Oh._ That was unexpected. Cecil, however, was not finished. “A voice like caramel-- mind you, I didn’t understand a _word_ he was saying, but it all sounded _very_ scientific-- with delicious oaky undertones, and I managed to find a video of his streams, and some higher power out there must be looking out for us all because, you guys, he has a facecam.” Carlos could feel heat rising in his cheeks, but he didn’t pause the video. “That square jaw, that perfect, black hair, those kind eyes…” Cecil trailed off with a sigh. “Someone in the comments of his stream made a science joke. I didn’t get it, but he laughed, and it was such a beautiful sound, listeners. Everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.”

Carlos slammed his laptop shut.


	2. Chapter 2, Because People Actually Like This?? For Some Reason???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which around a year of character development is skipped because I am so, so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proofread ANY of this because that sounds EXHAUSTING
> 
> edit: I FORGOT TO REMOVE A PART I ADDED AS A JOKE ADJSHDASKD  
> edit: Dana says fuck less

It had to be a joke, a prank, something, _anything_ but the truth. It had to be. Why else would he say something like that when he knew Carlos might hear it? He had told Cecil that he watches his videos! Cecil was saying it as a prank because he knew Carlos would be watching the video. That must be it. That brought up another important point, though, one that Carlos didn’t like to think about.

 _How cruel_ is _Cecil?_ Cecil said he watched footage from Carlos’ streams. While Carlos’ videos were very impersonal, mostly factual, his streams tended to become the opposite. If Cecil really had watched his streams (instead of just finding a picture of his face and leaving it at that), then he probably knew that Carlos was gay. Carlos’ anxiety provided the improbable idea that Cecil somehow knew about his budding crush-- _fascination_ , maybe, not a crush, crushes were for eight year olds picking weeds for each other on the playground-- and decided to mock him for it. He could’ve just talked to Carlos personally, he didn’t need to make fun of him in front of hundreds of thousands of strangers! It was like high school all over again...

Carlos shook his head. _Alright, that’s enough of that._ Letting this spiral out of control was not going to help. His anxiety was blowing it out of proportion; Cecil probably didn’t intend to be mean. He probably just meant it in the same sort of joking way that friends overly compliment each other. But his tone sounded sincere…

Carlos decided that further investigation was necessary.

But how to go about it?

Against his better judgement, he decided to leave a comment. With his main account.

 

**_hey Cecil, could you message me? kinda important. thanks._ **

 

He immediately regretted it as replies were rapidly tacked on.

 

**_oooo cecil get it!!!_ **

**_lmao i ship it_ **

**_gaaay_ **

**_yall leave them alone! (but srs if u 2 get together we need pics)_ **

 

He didn’t bother to read the rest. They were bound to get hurtful eventually, and he didn’t want to be there when they did. He leaned back in his chair to wait for a message, but had to lean back forward immediately as his notifications pinged. Cecil was nothing if not punctual, it seemed.

 

**Hi Carlos!! What’s up? Did something science-y happen? :o**

 

Carlos stared at the message for a second. In that moment, he realized how ridiculous he had been. Cecil was an open book. If he wanted to be mean, he’d be mean directly. He’d seen enough of his interactions with Steve to know that. In fact, he’d only ever seen Cecil be mean towards Steve. He was friendly with everyone else, or cordial at the least. So maybe he did mean what he’d said about Carlos.

The idea brought about feelings that Carlos decided to bottle up, bury, and maybe, _maybe,_ think about in ten years.

 

**_no, not too recently. I’m not messaging you for personal reasons, by the way._ **

**Okay…? Do you need something, then? (  .-.)**

**_could you tell me a little bit about the history of the server? it’s crucial to figuring out why the glitches are happening._ **

 

It was a bad excuse. It was a bad excuse and he knew it. He learned absolutely nothing from that improv class back in college. Why did he even try.

 

**Oh of course! Should I start from the beginning? It might take a little while. (;; ´∀ `)**

 

Oh, thank god.

 

**_yeah, that’d be great._ **

 

Cecil’s typing bubble popped up, and Carlos relaxed in his chair. He probably wouldn’t have to respond for another, what, five minutes, at the least? He might as well do something else. Upon scrolling up, he realized he never finished watching Cecil’s video, so he decided to do that. It was pretty normal (relative to Cecil’s channel) aside from the occasional fond mention of Carlos. There was [a song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyA8l1KNqko) instead of an end card, as usual, and Carlos sighed at Cecil’s choice of music for the episode. Yes, he really was an open book. Carlos wasn’t sure whether or not that was a good thing.

But he was sure he’d find out eventually.

* * *

**CarlosTheScientist has joined the game.**

**The_Voice > Welcome back, Carlos!!**

**CarlosTheScientist > hey Cecil. anything interesting happen today?**

**The_Voice > Not really. Lost a few interns, said a few chants, got one of them back. The usual.**

**CarlosTheScientist > ah.**

 

In the time since Carlos had first stumbled upon Night Vale and all that it entails, both he and his channel had made substantial progress. Not progress towards solving the strange mysteries of the server, of course, because it seemed that everything about the place liked to defy his expectations. In fact, the more he tried to fix the glitches, the stranger and objectively worse they got. So, he opted to do what everyone else (except Steve, he learned) on the server seemed to do, and adopt the role of a passive observer, albeit with a substantial amount of notetaking. No, the progress that he achieved was a different sort all together. His videos on Night Vale and its strangeness were getting more views than any video he had ever made, due to-- according to the comments-- the comedic value of his frustration at the seemingly impossible happenings and his inability to discern their cause.

He had also made progress in more personal areas, progress he was a little more apprehensive to mention in his videos. He had managed to get closer to Cecil, which he was honestly pretty proud of himself for. Sure, almost all of his messages were preceded with a “this is not for personal reasons”, but with many past crushes he hadn’t even managed _that_ . That was another thing: he was openly acknowledging (to himself only, no one else, he would take this to his grave) that he had a crush on Cecil. Which was progress! As the saying goes, “acknowledging that you have a crush is the first step to never telling anyone ever and suffering in silence for the rest of your days”. So basically, he was doing _great_.

(Pining aside, he actually was doing pretty great as far as Cecil was concerned. He might actually consider them friends at this point, which is, if he was being honest, more than he could’ve hoped for. ...Well, that’s not _entirely_ true. He could hope all he liked that Cecil might some day see him as something more, but he wrote those hopes off as deluded fantasies. He didn’t even know what Cecil looked like! There was no way they would start dating in the near future, or-- his heart protested at the thought-- ever.)

 

**The_Voice > Yeah, he’s been acting kinda weird since then, though, so I think I might have to let him go.**

 

Carlos resolutely refused to think about what being let go meant in a place like Night Vale.

 

**CarlosTheScientist > oh. that’s a shame.**

**The_Voice > Yeah, it’s always sad, but it just has to be done sometimes. I’m sure you know how it is.**

**CarlosTheScientist > not really, but I can imagine it’s tough.**

**The_Voice > It really is. But it’s so rewarding when an intern becomes successful, like watching a child go off to college. Minus the carnivorous plants, of course.**

**CarlosTheScientist > of course.**

**The_Voice > It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that I’ve helped set these fine young adults up with the skills necessary to do great things. Like, look at Dana! She’s the mayor!**

**cardinaldirections > yo**

**CarlosTheScientist > oh hey Dana.**

**cardinaldirections > sup Carlos?**

**CarlosTheScientist > not much. yourself?**

**cardinaldirections > I am**

**CarlosTheScientist > …you are?**

**cardinaldirections > fuck dude I sure am**

**CarlosTheScientist > nice. keep on being, then.**

**cardinaldirections > you got it, mr scientist**

 

Carlos didn’t know much about Dana. She and Cecil seemed to have a bit of a personal history, and he suspected they’d been friends for at least a few years before he showed up. He was a little bit jealous at first, but Dana was such a nice person that the feeling didn’t last. She had welcomed him into her and Cecil’s banter with open arms, and soon enough the three were going at it like old friends.

He had a sneaking suspicion that her warm reception had something to do with Cecil’s feelings towards him. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that, though, so he dismissed it, but it still lingered in the back of his mind. The feeling was about to rear its head again when his phone pinged.

Carlos eyed the email notification, confused. No one ever sent him emails, and he’d unsubscribed from all the emails that came from social media. He had a business email in his Twitter bio, sure, but this notification was for his personal email. He wasn’t even in charge of the business email; Nilanjana preferred to take care of the business end of the channel, so all he had to do was research and record. (He wasn’t even sure what the rest of his team did, and he didn’t ask, despite how every fiber of his being rebelled. He was sure that if he found out, he’d be severely disappointed, and he’d have to have a talk with them about appropriate time management and carrying one’s own weight. He did _not_ want to give that speech again.) He shrugged and opened the email, forwarded to him from the business account by Nilanjana.

* * *

**CarlosTheScientist > GUYS!!!!**

**The_Voice > What??**

**cardinaldirections > oh shit it’s in caps what’s up dude?**

**CarlosTheScientist > I’m going to be a featured creator at vidcon!!!!**

**cardinaldirections > oh shit!!!**

**The_Voice > Oh my gods!! Carlos!!! That’s wonderful!!!!**

**The_Voice > I’m so proud of you!!!!!**

**The_Voice > (That’s not a weird thing to say, right?)**

 

If it was, Carlos neither dwelled on it nor cared. (He was pretty sure it wasn’t, anyway.) His focus was busy being split between the fact that Cecil complimented him-- which wasn’t all that unusual in and of itself, but it nevener failed to surprise him-- and the way his traitorous body and mind were reacting to said compliment. The Japanese spider crab that was love awakened within his chest, stretching and yawning and spreading warmth throughout Carlos’ upper body with its fuckin’ sick little crab legs. His mind decided the feeling went best paired with a nice, well-oaked _domestic hellscape_. The only problem was that it’s a little hard to imagine yourself in sappy scenarios with someone if you don’t even know what that someone looks like, so his brain decided to substitute the _feeling_ of Cecil instead. Unfortunately for Carlos, it still worked, and he dragged his hands over his face in an attempt to distract himself before typing out a reply.

 

**CarlosTheScientist > no, you’re great.**

 

_Fuck._

 

**CarlosTheScientist > I mean, you’re fine.**

 

_That’s not better!!_

 

**CarlosTheScientist > I mean.**

**CarlosTheScientist > it’s not weird.**

 

_Smooth._

 

**maureeeeen > lmao**

**cardinaldirections > be nice, maureen!**

**The_Voice > Oh shit, hey Maureen.**

**cardinaldirections > gasp**

**maureeeeen > wow cecil, cut loose**

**maureeeeen > god damn**

**cardinaldirections > never thought I’d see the day**

**maureeeeen > lil baby boys becomin a man**

**cardinaldirections > they grow up so fast :,)**

**The_Voice > I’m older than both of you!!**

**maureeeeen > hey hey no need to get sassy kiddo**

**cardinaldirections > he’s hitting the rebellious phase**

**maureeeeen > they warned us about this but we didn’t listen**

**The_Voice > Oh my gods!!! >>>:c**

**CarlosTheScientist > guys, come on.**

**The_Voice > THANK you.**

**CarlosTheScientist > go easy on the little guy.**

**CarlosTheScientist > the formative years are stressful for everyone.**

**The_Voice > CARLOS**

**CarlosTheScientist > sorry babe, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.**

 

Wait.

Did he just--

_Fuck._

_Fuck!_

_Fuck!!!_

A message popped up. He was hesitant to look.

 

**The_Voice > I’m like thirty!! I have a DEGREE!!!! (˵•̀෴•́˵)**

 

Oh. A little part of him was disappointed that Cecil didn’t mention the slip-up, but the majority of him was incredibly relieved.

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: so.**

 

The universe loved to make him speak too soon.

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: first and foremost I have no idea what you’re talking about and also I plead the fifth.**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: oh my god you goober**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: you two are gonna make me go prematurely gray**

 

**maureeeeen > new from hasbro: Baby’s First College Degree**

**The_Voice > MAUREEN I CAN AND WILL KICK YOU**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: listen. I’ve seen your videos. we all have. and from your videos I get the feeling you’re not the kind of guy to use the word babe platonically**

 

**maureeeeen > do it pussy**

**maureeeeen has left the game.**

**maureeeeen has joined the game.**

**maureeeeen > fuck you**

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: should we do something about them**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: they’re fine. don’t change the subject, please**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: or, rather, if this is making you uncomfortable, I’ll drop it, but I want you to answer me one question first**

 

_Oh no._

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: I don’t like where this is going, but alright.**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: do you have feelings for Cecil?**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: I’m sorry but that’s my business.**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: alright, I’ll drop it. but if you do, I think you should do something about it. you know how he feels about you**

 

Carlos’ fingers hovered over the keyboard. She had a point, but he really didn’t want to think about his feelings right now. Right now, he wanted to forget about them, forget about what he accidentally said, and go live in a mountain cave somewhere. Maybe he’d become a local cryptid. That’d be cool.

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: again, that’s my business. not yours.**

 

No sooner than he had sent that message, another one appeared.

 

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: i lived, bitch**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: uh.**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: dana is across the room with her head in her hands**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: i asked her if she was good and she said ‘nghaahghnghagngh’**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: which ive learned roughly translates to ‘oh my god these fuckin idiots’**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: ofc she’s too nice to push anything but guess what**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: im not**

_Oh god._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all liked everyone ganging up on Cecil. (it's good-natured, dw about it)  
> as always thanks for reading this cursed fic and extra thanks to those who leave comments. the fact that you actually enjoy this provides me with the strength to keep writing this glorified chatfic.  
> if you want to hire a deepweb hitman to assassinate me, you can find me at softwaluigi on tumblr to let me know so I can spend my final hours in fear  
> and don't forget to smash that mf like button and subscribe *dab*


	3. Chapter 3, Because As Much As I Hate To Admit It I'm Having Fun Writing This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out. Well, sorta.  
> (Alternatively: The Aquatic Update gives everyone life, as it should.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if there is any mischaracterization in this chapter please ignore it and also I'm sorry I'm just so tired
> 
> UPDATE: had to rewrite a bit because it turns out ao3 doesn't support emojis.

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: so whatll it be, dude**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: will you die by my hand**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: or by your own**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: why are you guys all so dramatic??**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: theater kids. not the point**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: oh cool, I did some theater in college.**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: gays Is The Same**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: i tried to get my girlfriend into theater stuff once**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: didnt really work tho**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: band gay?**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: yeah lmao**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: wait a minute were off topic**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: fuck you for enticing me with the idea of talking about my gf**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: 乁། * ❛ ͟ʖ ❛ * །ㄏ**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: you don’t get to emoji at me**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: who do you think you are? Cecil?**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: which brings me back to my point**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: dang it**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: listen here you fuckmothering nerd**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: do you know how much ive had to listen to that dumb fucking gay pine over you**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: its been a year, carlos**

 

Had it really been a year? _Huh. Time flies when you’re relentlessly gay._

 

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: ive had to listen to this gd dingus wax poetic about your fuckin TEETH, carlos**

 

Carlos unconsciously brought a hand up to his mouth.

 

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: point is**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: hes absolutely head over heels**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: and judging by that little slip you might be in the same boat**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: youve imagined calling him that before, haven’t you**

 

He had, in fact, imagined scenarios in which he could freely lavish his affections upon Cecil, calling him pet name after pet name. He had imagined them too many times to count at this point, but that didn’t mean he’d ever intended to act upon them. He still didn’t intend to.

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: it doesn’t matter. it’s not going to happen.**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: oh my GOD**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: do you wanna know how many messages hes sent me in the, what, five minutes? since you said that??**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: ‘maureen do you think he really meant it’**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: ‘maureen dana isnt responding and im too gay help me’**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: ‘maureen should i say something’**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: ‘maureen pleeeeeease this is serious’**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: need i go on**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: um, no, I think I got it.**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: good. smart boy**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: now stop being so dumb and say something**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: or we will**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: we?**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: intern squad**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: not gonna ask.**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: weve got a groupchat and everything its pretty lit**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: but the point is were all tired of this bullshit**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: oh ffs hes calling me on skype give me a minute**

 

Carlos used that time to think. Thinking was something he did a lot of, as a scientist. He certainly had a lot to think about, given all the new evidence that had surfaced in the last few minutes. The only problem was, the nature of the evidence transformed his thoughts from methodical reasoning into swirling, bubbling, lovesick goop. He attempted to figuratively pour his liquidized thoughts into a figurative mold to put into the figurative freezer to get them back to their original shape, but that only ended with the mold melting (who would’ve thought lovesick goop had a temperature above the melting point of figurative plastic?) and him discovering that the figurative fridge wasn’t working because his figurative power had been cut-- when was the last time he paid his figurative bills? Oh god, did he even have a figurative job?

 

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: alright im back**

 

Oh, right. He was talking with Maureen. What were they talking about, again?

Oh, right.

Fuck.

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: weird question.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: do you know any figurative hiring sites?**

* * *

Carlos lay awake in bed, staring at the new contact in his phone.

 **Maureen** , it read.

It mocked him. It called him a coward, a fool, a million other words that stabbed into his heart like knives because they were all _true_. “Text me when you’re going to tell him,” Maureen had said. As though that would ever happen. Her contact was just a reminder of how he would never be brave enough to voice his feelings, how he could never have what he wanted to have with this wonderful man who he only knew by voice.

A thought struck him. _Maureen knows him personally, right? She should know what he looks like._

 

**_to Maureen, 1:17am_ **

_hey Maureen._

**_from Maureen, 1:19am_ **

_for the love of god do NOT tell me youre gonna tell him at ass o clock in the morning_

**_to Maureen, 1:20am_ **

_no, I had a question._

**_from Maureen, 1:20am_ **

_ugh_

**_from Maureen, 1:21am_ **

_whats your question_

 

Well fuck. He hadn’t thought this far. What was the least creepy way he could ask?

 

**_to Maureen, 1:23am_ **

_you know Cecil irl right?_

**_to Maureen, 1:23am_ **

_what's he like?_

**_to Maureen, 1:24am_ **

_like, his face._

**_to Maureen, 1:25am_ **

_and uh._

**_to Maureen, 1:25am_ **

_his general physical person._

 

Yep. Not creepy at all.

 

**_from Maureen, 1:27am_ **

_i dont know if hes hung, if thats what youre asking_

 

Carlos dropped his phone, slapping his hands over his face in an attempt to assuage the heat that was rising in his cheeks.

 

**_to Maureen, 1:28am_ **

_oh my god no._

**_to Maureen, 1:28am_ **

_I just want to know what he looks like, Maureen._

**_from Maureen, 1:29am_ **

_need a face for your fantasies huh_

**_to Maureen, 1:29am_ **

_no!!!_

**_from Maureen, 1:30am_ **

_hey man you dont have to fight it we all do it_

**_from Maureen, 1:31am_ **

_its perfectly natural to spank that monkey_

**_from Maureen, 1:31am_ **

_whip that wicked hog_

**_to Maureen, 1:32am_ **

_oh my god._

**_from Maureen, 1:32am_ **

_play a lil five on one basketball_

**_to Maureen, 1:32am_ **

_I regret becoming friends with you._

**_from Maureen, 1:33am_ **

_lmao were not friends_

**_from Maureen, 1:34am_ **

_anyway._

**_from Maureen, 1:34am_ **

_(windsurf on mount baldy)_

**_to Maureen, 1:34am_ **

_Maureen!!!_

**_from Maureen, 1:34am_ **

_god fine doctor killjoy_

**_from Maureen, 1:34am_ **

_paging dr killjoy_

**_from Maureen, 1:35am_ **

_has anyone seen doctor killjoy? a kid in the cancer ward needs to be told that they won’t live to see their prom_

**_to Maureen, 1:35am_ **

_what the fuck Maureen._

**_from Maureen, 1:36am_ **

_fine hes a twink okay_

**_to Maureen, 1:36am_ **

_wow thanks, that really clears things up._

**_from Maureen, 1:36am_ **

_sarcasm doesnt look good on you but i cant say im not proud_

**_from Maureen, 1:37am_ **

_he changes his look a lot. not sure what else to tell you_

**_to Maureen, 1:37am_ **

_does he have a nice smile?_

**_from Maureen, 1:37am_ **

_you really are fucking gay arent you_

**_to Maureen, 1:38am_ **

_oh wow, you must be a psychic._

**_from Maureen, 1:38am_ **

_geez late night carlos is sassy as shit huh_

**_from Maureen, 1:38am_ **

_you dont have to shoot the messenger_

**_from Maureen, 1:38am_ **

_just because you cant shoot YOUR messenger_

**_to Maureen, 1:39am_ **

_stop._

**_from Maureen, 1:39am_ **

_that was funny and you know it_

**_from Maureen, 1:39am_ **

_if i send you a pic of him will you let me get back to sexting my gf_

**_to Maureen, 1:40am_ **

_didn’t need to know that, but yeah._

**_from Maureen, 1:40am_ **

_alright sweet. its an old pic tho but its all i got_

**_from Maureen, 1:40am_ **

[1 attached file]

 

The picture was slightly blurry, and the lighting was weird. Almost half of it was obscured by what looked like a hand. Cecil was mid-laugh, teeth showing and eyes crinkled, blissfully unaware that a photo was being taken. Unfortunately, the warmth that bloomed in Carlos’ chest at the sight wasn’t enough to distract him from the question that arose in the forefront of his mind.

 

**_to Maureen, 1:41am_ **

_why do you have a creeper pic of Cecil on your phone?_

**_from Maureen, 1:41am_ **

_i took it to exchange for some nunya_

 

Carlos sighed.

 

**_to Maureen, 1:41am_ **

_...must I?_

**_from Maureen, 1:41am_ **

_do it pussy_

**_to Maureen, 1:41am_ **

_ugh, fine._

**_to Maureen, 1:42am_ **

_nunya?_

**_from Maureen, 1:42am_ **

_nunya fuckin business, bitch_

**_from Maureen, 1:42am_ **

_but if you must know its because hes kinda weird about having his photo taken_

**_from Maureen, 1:42am_ **

_that and mirrors_

**_from Maureen, 1:43am_ **

_i dont get it but what can ya do about it_

 

He turned his attention back to the picture. Cecil’s hair-- which Carlos presumed was once brightly dyed, but had since faded and grown out slightly, mixing the grayed color with bleached blonde and revealing dark roots-- had fallen forward, hanging in front of eyes gleaming with mirth. His smile was dazzling, to say the least, and made Carlos fall even more in love, to say the most.

 

**_from Maureen, 1:48am_ **

_you better not be roughing up the suspect to that pic_

**_to Maureen, 1:48am_ **

_blocked._

**_from Maureen, 1:48am_ **

_badgering the witness_

**_to Maureen, 1:49am_ **

_blocked. blocked. you’re all blocked. none of you are free of sin._

**_from Maureen, 1:49am_ **

_beating out a cumfession_

**_to Maureen, 1:49am_ **

_GOODNIGHT, MAUREEN._

* * *

**The_Voice > They added kelp! Kelp!! Isn’t it amazing??**

**CarlosTheScientist > don’t forget about the coral.**

**The_Voice > How could I? That was so environmentally sexy of them!**

**Maureeeeen > why do i still associate with you**

**CarlosTheScientist > because no one else will have you?**

**cardinaldirections > ooooo**

**Maureeeeen > oh damn**

**Maureeeeen > oh geez**

**Maureeeeen > youve mortally wounded me**

**Maureeeeen > how could you be so cruel, carlos**

**Maureeeeen > my family will never know how much i love them,,, ,,**

**CarlosTheScientist > perish.**

**Maureeeeen > tell my gf,, ,, ,,, **

**Maureeeeen > to send nudes,, ,,, ,,,  ,, ,, ,**

**Maureeeeen > bleh**

**Maureeeeen fell out of the world.**

**Maureeeeen > CECIL**

**The_Voice > What? You said your final words.**

**Maureeeeen > THAT DIDNT MEAN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL ME YOU BASTARD**

**Maureeeeen fell out of the world.**

**Maureeeeen > WHY ARE YOU EVEN OPPED**

**Maureeeeen fell out of the world.**

**The_Voice > It’s not my place to question Station Management’s decisions, Maureen. I just use what they give me.**

**Maureeeeen > WELL MAYBE STOP USING IT**

**The_Voice > What’s the magic word?**

**Maureeeeen > fuck you**

**Maureeeeen fell out of the world.**

**Maureeeeen > carlos tell your boyfriend to FUCKING STOP**

**CarlosTheScientist > Maureen, were it not for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you.**

**The_Voice > I can slaughter her for you!**

**CarlosTheScientist > thank you, Cecil.**

**Maureeeeen was struck by lightning.**

**CarlosTheScientist > so anyway.**

**CarlosTheScientist > those turtles tho.**

**The_Voice > And the dolphins!! So good!!!**

**CarlosTheScientist > so good.**

**Maureeeeen > h8 you guys**

 

Carlos grinned, and was about to make a reference to some comic he vaguely remembered from high school when another message popped up on his screen.

 

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: I apologize if Maureen said or says anything that makes you uncomfortable.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: ?**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: You know, the…**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: B-word stuff.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: you mean bastard.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Okay, that's a little uncalled for.**

 

What?

 

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Trying to cover all my bases does not make me a "mean bastard", and quite frankly I'm hurt. :c**

 

_Oh my god._

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: no! I was asking if you meant bastard by b-word.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Oh. That makes a LOT more sense. .-.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: yeah.**

 

A thought lingered at the back of his mind, one that he was definitely _not_ going to type or say aloud.

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: I don't think I'd be able to ever say anything bad about you.**

 

_What happened to "definitely not going to type"?!_

 

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Thank you, Carlos! That means a lot to me. (*´ω`* )**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: But anyway, I was referring to the, uh,**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: "Boyfriend" thing.**

 

Carlos wasn't sure which caught him more off guard: Cecil typing out "uh", or Cecil actually addressing Maureen’s comment. Excluding the kaomojis, Cecil was actually rather formal in his messaging. Or, his grammar was. He still used casual speech, but each message was written out like a line of dialogue in a story. As he thought on it, Carlos realized that the way Cecil typed was actually rather similar to the way he spoke in his videos. With both, each word felt carefully chosen, each sentence meticulously thought out. It made Carlos feel sloppy in comparison. He hardly ever scripted his videos beyond a rough outline of major talking points, afraid that splitting his concentration between doing things in-game and reading off of a script would lead to a drop in quality. Which wasn’t to say that he couldn’t act; two years of theater in college begged to differ. _Why does every gay person take theater?_

 

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Carlos?**

 

Oh fuck, Cecil still needed a response. How long had he been spaced out?

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: sorry, my train of thought got sorta derailed.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: did you ever take theater?**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: All four years of high school, and both years of community college. Why?**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: I’m beginning to think that all gay people are linked to a theater-loving hivemind.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Oh, worm?**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: what.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: S**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: ??**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: That's the worm! Look at him go!  
**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: amazing.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: S S S s**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: He invited over some friends!  
**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: But SOMEBODY didn't want to hire a babysitter.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: I hate to ruin the mood but I feel like we’re getting really off topic here.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: bc we were talking about. the thing.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Oh. Right.**

A few minutes passed without another message.  _ Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. _ He was about to apologize for bringing it back up when Cecil sent an apology of his own.

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Like I said, I’m really sorry about that, doubly so if it made you uncomfortable.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: It’s never appropriate to make assumptions like that about other people. Maureen was out of line in saying what she did and for that I apologize. I must’ve not set a good enough example for the server.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: Cecil, it’s fine.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: No, it isn’t. It’s not alright for people to make jokes like that. I really thought we were past this, but I guess I was wrong, and I’m sorry.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: Cecil.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Like, what is this? The 1800s? Identifying as something deemed outside of the norm by society should never in this day and age be seen or treated as an insult or a joke.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: Cecil!**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: I AM gay.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Oh.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: Oh thank the gods.**

Carlos wasn’t sure how to interpret that last one.

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: I’m not saying that because of romantic interest!**

Carlos raised an eyebrow. Cecil wasn’t the type to outright deny like that. Avoid talking about, sure, but deny?

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: ...Okay, that IS part of it. You watch my videos, right? So you know very well how I feel about you.**

_ Oh. _ Carlos hadn’t really expected another blatant acknowledgement like that.

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: But right now? I’m mostly relieved because I don’t have to worry when making gay jokes. ε=(´・｀)ﾌ**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: You know how straight people are.**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged The_Voice: god, do I.**

**The_Voice messaged CarlosTheScientist: So anyways, thanks for telling me. I’m glad you trust me enough for stuff like that.**

**CarlosTheScientist > of course, Cecil. gays stick together.**

**maureeeeen > oh shit, forget to /msg much carlos?**

**cardinaldirections > what were you guys talking about???**

**carlsberg167 > must be fun being gay! i feel like i miss out on a lot :(**

**maureeeeen > lmao token str8 steve**

**cardinaldirections > be nice, maureen.**

**cardinaldirections > (haha token straight steve)**

**carlsberg167 > not you too, dana! :((**

**cardinaldirections > I’m just messin, steve**

**cardinaldirections > I’m sure you’ll find some straight friends someday**

**maureeeeen > yeah steve, youll find some khaki filled paradise and go hogwild**

**carlsberg167 > :)**

**The_Voice > I’m still too far on the sane side of tipsy to deal with the idea of straight people, so I’m going to head out and do something about that.**

_ Oh. That explained a lot. _

**The_Voice > Goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight.**

**CarlosTheScientist > goodnight Cecil.**

**cardinaldirections > night cecil!!**

**maureeeeen > fuck it uuuuup, cecil**

**carlsberg167 > goodnight cecil!**

**The_Voice has left the game.**

**cardinaldirections > deets**

**maureeeeen > deeeeeeeeeeeets**

**carlsberg167 > deets! deets! deets!**

**CarlosTheScientist > what?**

**maureeeeen > dont play dumb with us, loverboy. we saw that leak**

**cardinaldirections > you can’t really deny that there are deets to be spilled, carlos**

**carlsberg167 > i don’t really know what’s going on but it’s nice being included!**

**maureeeeen > fucking superb you funky little straight**

**carlsberg167 > :D**

**CarlosTheScientist > there are no deets.**

**maureeeeen > bullshit**

**cardinaldirections > as much as I hate to admit it, I agree with maureen on this one**

**maureeeeen > yeah**

**maureeeeen > wait what**

**cardinaldirections > anyway, as cecil’s close friends it’s for the best that we know what’s going on**

Carlos figured he couldn’t really argue with that one. They would probably be able to help him with his situation, anyway.

**CarlosTheScientist > alright, fine.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) MAUREEN IS KIN WITH VRISKA AND CARLOS HAD A HOMESTUCK PHASE. YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND.  
> 2) how many words can I throw away saying absolutely nothing at all?? let's find out!!!!  
> 3) every single fic I write is a test to see how many fucking memes I can cram in without it becoming unbearable and this one is no different  
> 4) there's probably some other funny stuff I had planned to say here but I'm so fucking tired.
> 
> tbh my mind fought me every step of the way past Carlos and Maureen's text convo. also writing Cecil trying to be a Good Model Gay who Doesn't Make Gay Jokes No Sir felt so fucking wrong, you guys don't even know. if anything is wonky please let me know. as always, thanks for reading and leaving kudos and comments. it makes my week, and honestly helps a lot in powering through writer's block. thanks for reading this glorified chatfic.


	4. Chapter 4, And Oh Boy Here We Gooo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I told myself there would not be angst in my Minecraft YouTuber AU fic. I lied.

**cardinaldirections > huh**

**CarlosTheScientist > I was surprised too.**

**maureeeeen > shes not surprised you dummy**

**cardinaldirections > well, I sorta am surprised**

**cardinaldirections > I'm surprised that someone can be as oblivious as cecil**

**CarlosTheScientist > ?**

**maureeeeen > HES BEEN FLIRTING WITH YOU FOR A YEAR, CARLOS**

**CarlosTheScientist > what?? no he hasn't!**

**cardinaldirections > he kinda has, carlos**

**maureeeeen > ‘hey caaarlos wanna watch this movie with me on rabbit’**

**CarlosTheScientist > how is that flirting?**

**maureeeeen > he invited you to watch a ROMCOM with him**

**CarlosTheScientist > romantic comedies can be funny.**

**cardinaldirections > he said he wished you lived here in new mexico so you could go to his house and watch them with him in person.**

**CarlosTheScientist > friends hang out to watch movies all the time!**

**maureeeeen > he literally sent you a winky face afterwards **

**CarlosTheScientist > a PLATONIC winky face. as a joke.**

**maureeeeen > OH MY GOD**

**cardinaldirections > carlos. you know me. and you know I'm your friend**

**CarlosTheScientist > ...yes?**

**cardinaldirections > but trust me when I say that if you don't pull your head out of your butt and get your stuff together I'm going to rip your nuts off**

**maureeeeen > wow dana**

**maureeeeen > you can threaten to neuter him but not say ass or shit**

**cardinaldirections > it's a thursday, I only curse on saturdays. you know this maureen**

**maureeeeen > saturday is for the boys**

**cardinaldirections > damn straight**

**cardinaldirections > oh no**

**carlsberg167 > sorry guys! janice is calling for me so i have to go!! see you later!!**

**carlsberg167 has left the game.**

**CarlosTheScientist > there goes the straight, so are we just left with damn now?**

**maureeeeen > okay now IM gonna rip your balls off**

**CarlosTheScientist > darn.**

**CarlosTheScientist > well, I should probably tell you that you’ve got your work cut out for you.**

**maureeeeen > ill make you grow balls and then rip them off**

**CarlosTheScientist > the true trans allies.**

**maureeeeen > allies my ass boy**

**cardinaldirections > maureen you didn’t tell me you had an a-word boy**

**maureeeeen > im changing the locks next time you go to work**

**cardinaldirections > (maureen and I are also trans btw, that’s what she means)**

**CarlosTheScientist > oh, cool.**

**cardinaldirections > anyway the long and short of things is that you need to do something**

**maureeeeen > for the love of god please**

**cardinaldirections > if not for your own sake, then for cecil’s**

**maureeeeen > OR OURS**

**cardinaldirections > yeah, that too**

**CarlosTheScientist > it seems a little bit unethical to try to force someone into a relationship.**

**maureeeeen > you fucking idiot the only reason you two arent minecraft boning yet is your goddamn stupid mutual pining so-called unrequited bullshit**

**CarlosTheScientist > Dana?**

**cardinaldirections > I mean, she’s kinda right**

**maureeeeen > damn right i am**

**cardinaldirections > you do want to be in a relationship with him, don’t you?**

 

Carlos didn’t even need to think about the question. He wanted Cecil like a string of code wants an end bracket, like a chloroplast wants sunlight, like some third science thing wants another science thing to complete the allegory.

 

**CarlosTheScientist > yes.**

**maureeeeen > then TELL HIM**

**CarlosTheScientist > do I really have to?**

**cardinaldirections > Carlos.**

**cardinaldirections > we’ve let you take your time, because we get it, confessing to someone is a stressful process**

**cardinaldirections > but this has gone on long enough.**

**cardinaldirections > it has gotten to the point where NOT saying anything would be more detrimental to your mental health than saying something would be**

**cardinaldirections > we want you guys to be happy, carlos**

**maureeeeen > yeah**

**maureeeeen > as annoying as you idiots are i dont want you to live in gay urt hell forever**

**CarlosTheScientist > urt?**

**maureeeeen > unresolved romantic tension**

**maureeeeen > bc id rather not think about you guys getting sexual w each other**

**CarlosTheScientist > …**

**maureeeeen > don’t you dot dot dot me mister**

**CarlosTheScientist > . . .**

**maureeeeen > oh you bastard**

**cardinaldirections > carlos. we can mess with maureen later**

**CarlosTheScientist > okay fine.**

**maureeeeen > i hate you guys**

**cardinaldirections > we need to figure out a way for you to confess to cecil**

* * *

_This feels dumb,_ Carlos thought, standing in the pink, heart-shaped room made out of stained clay. _We’re grown men, not twelve year olds._

 _You’re a Minecraft YouTuber,_ another part of him chided, _twelve year old stuff is kind of what you do._

 _Yeah, okay,_ the first part of him replied, _but why a heart? The brain is responsible for feelings, wouldn't it make more sense to make it brain-shaped?_

 _Nerd,_ another part of him jeered.

_You're a nerd too! You're me!!_

 

**cardinaldirections > you alright, carlos?**

 

Oh, right. Other people expected him to talk. _I'll deal with you later, asshole,_ he thought-- directed at the part of him which was being rather rude today, not at Dana-- before typing out a reply.

 

**CarlosTheScientist > sorry. I spaced out for a second.**

**maureeeeen > give or take 299**

 

 _Five minutes? Really?_ He usually didn’t space out for that long, not over little things like this.

_...Well, actually, this isn’t really a little thing, is it?_

And just like that, the weight of what he was about to do came crashing down.

 

**CarlosTheScientist > Dana, I can’t do this.**

**cardinaldirections > what’s wrong??**

**CarlosTheScientist > I can’t. I can’t do it.**

**maureeeeen > are you KIDDING ME**

**maureeeeen > we DEAL WITH YOUR NONSENSE for SO LONG and you back out NOW??**

 

Carlos couldn’t breathe. He was a coward and he couldn’t breathe. His fingers scrabbled at the keys.

 

**CarlosTheScientist > im sorry im sorry im sorry**

 

Somewhere in his mind, he cursed his traitorous lungs and throat for jumping ship, but the sentiment was buried under a thick blanket of panic. There was a lot of panic, really. That’s probably why it’s called a panic attack, another distant part of him mused, ironically also drowned out by his panic. His chest began to ache. He was going to die here. He was going to die here from his first panic attack since junior year and it was all because of a stupid crush.

“ _Theeere’s hydrogen and helium and lithium, beryllium--_ ”

His phone was ringing.

“-- _boron, carbon everywhere, nitrogen all through the air--_ ”

Why was his phone ringing?

“ _\--oxygen that you can breathe and fluoride for your pretty teeth--_ ”

 **Unknown Caller** , it read unhelpfully.

“-- _neon to light up the signs, sodium for salty times--_ ”

_At this point, why not?_

He swiped to answer and held the phone to his ear, and whoever was on the other end of the line immediately began to speak.

“Carlos?”

_Feminine voice, soft, not recognized._

“Yeah?” He hated how weak he sounded, his voice just starting to come down from the panicked high he knew it would've been had he tried to speak earlier.

“Are you alright?”

 _Somehow knows about distress. Watching?_ He looked around for cameras before realizing what he was doing, and shook his head as though to cast away the thought. He was being paranoid. He needed to be objective. A scientist is always objective; it’s one of many things a scientist is.

“I'm sorry, who is this?”

“It's Dana. Maureen gave me your number. I'm sorry for calling but you weren't responding on the server.”

He turned his attention to his laptop, the game still open and the log full of messages.

 

**cardinaldirections > don’t listen to maureen if you really can’t do it that’s fine**

**cardinaldirections > carlos?**

**cardinaldirections > carlos are you alright??**

**maureeeeen > oh fuck**

**carlsberg167 > whats going on??**

**maureeeeen > i mightve fucked up. not sure**

**cardinaldirections > don’t you have his number, maureen?**

**maureeeeen > fuck dude i left my phone at michelles house**

**cardinaldirections > do you have it written down??**

**maureeeeen > uh yeah fuck lemme send you it on skype**

**The_Voice has joined the game.**

**maureeeeen > oh fuck**

**cardinaldirections > oh fuck**

**carlsberg167 > i still don’t know what’s going on! :(**

**The_Voice > That makes two.**

**maureeeeen > it’s girl stuff**

**cardinaldirections > you wouldn’t get it**

**carlsberg167 > but weren’t you guys just talking about carlos?**

**The_Voice > What about Carlos?**

**cardinaldirections > he was recommending makeup tutorials to us!**

**maureeeeen > yeah, that**

**cardinaldirections > because he has kid nieces and they ask him to do their makeup when he comes over so he’s watched a lot of videos on it**

**maureeeeen > he’s actually like. surprisingly good at it**

**The_Voice > Aw, that’s so sweet of him!**

**The_Voice > See, he truly is the world’s most perfect man. <3**

**maureeeeen > yeah yeah we know you bust a nut every time his name comes up or whatever**

**maureeeeen > hehe**

**maureeeeen > COMES up**

**cardinaldirections > lol**

**The_Voice > It wasn’t THAT good of a joke. :/**

**carlsberg167 > where did carlos go anyway? he was on just a minute ago!**

**The_Voice > He was?**

**The_Voice > Well, it doesn’t look like he’s online now.**

**carlsberg167 > huh! that’s really weird, i didnt see him leave!**

**The_Voice > Maybe you just weren’t paying close enough attention, Steve.**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: hey, I don’t know when you’re going to be back at your computer but please do me a favor**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: when you get back do NOT say anything in public chat and do NOT log off**

 

**The_Voice > Also, I could’ve sworn I told you guys to text me when he came online.**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: oh and don’t message cecil!! maureen and I talked and we’re trying something out here, okay?**

 

**maureeeeen > we were going to, but he wasnt really on that long so it wouldve been pointless**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: just message me back when you get back over here**

 

**The_Voice > (눈_눈)**

**cardinaldirections > she’s telling the truth, cecil**

**cardinaldirections > he said he just came on to check something and then left less than a minute later**

 

 _Guess I should find out what's going on,_ he thought, letting his fingers flit across the keyboard.

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: I’m back.**

 

**The_Voice > Well, okay then.**

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: sorry about…**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: you know.**

 

**The_Voice > That’s a shame. It’s always nice when he’s on here.**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: you don’t have to apologize. we’re sorry that we pushed you into this so much**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: we should’ve just let you do this in your own time**

 

**The_Voice > He’s just… gods, it’s so hard to explain.**

**maureeeeen > big oof**

**The_Voice > The biggest oof.**

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: to be fair, I don’t think that time will ever come.**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: and that’s fine! and I’m really really sorry we couldn’t see that**

 

**The_Voice > Like, what’s the point of knowing so many fancy words if I can’t even use them when they’re most important?**

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: so what’s the plan now?**

 

**carlsberg167 > i think youre good with words, cecil!**

**The_Voice > Thank you, Steve.**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: just wait**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: keep waiting and keep saying nothing**

 

**The_Voice > But you’re not the one my heart needs to hear that from.**

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: do they not see that I’m still here?**

 

**The_Voice > I just… it sucks, you know? It really sucks.**

 

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: yeah, messed around with some command stuff, scoreboard and such, used the command block in my office so cecil wouldn’t see it**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: you’re basically offline to them**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: rihanna wink**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: huh.**

 

**The_Voice > I KNOW in my mind that he’s not interested. That he probably won’t ever be. But I can’t seem to convince the rest of me of that fact.**

**The_Voice > And it feels so, so awful.**

**carlsberg167 > :(**

**The_Voice > I can’t help but feel like I’m trying to force him into something just by spending time around him. Like I’m being a bad friend by thinking so much about how nice it would be to be MORE than friends.**

**The_Voice > Like, is his friendship not good enough for me?**

 

**CarlosTheScientist messaged cardinaldirections: why are you showing me this?**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: shit I didn’t think things would get this heavy I’m really sorry**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: usually he just goes on and on about how head over heels he is for you I really didn’t expect this**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: well fuck this is so not going according to plan**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: I heard as much from Dana.**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: welp**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: guess we’ll die**

**CarlosTheScientist messaged maureeeeen: there has to be something we can do, right?**

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: i honestly dont know dude**

 

**cardinaldirections > cecil, how much have you had to drink?**

**The_Voice > 乁། * ❛ ͟ʖ ❛ * །ㄏ**

**cardinaldirections > alright, we’re coming over**

**maureeeeen > intern squad?**

**cardinaldirections > oh you KNOW this is intern squad**

**maureeeeen > alright ill text kareem**

**maureeeeen > and i know youre sad but so help me god cecil if youre playing one of us on loop when we get there**

**The_Voice > …**

**cardinaldirections > it’s already on loop, isn’t it**

**The_Voice > It’s a good song, okay!!!**

**maureeeeen > oh my god**

**CarlosTheScientist > he’s right though.**

**cardinaldirections > …**

**maureeeeen > …**

**carlsberg167 > oh hi carlos!!!**

 

**maureeeeen messaged CarlosTheScientist: BOI**

**cardinaldirections messaged CarlosTheScientist: BOI**

 

**The_Voice has left the game.**

Oops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is basically a glorified chatfic at this point. have I already said that? I can't remember.  
> 1) Cecil's listening to One Of Us by ABBA on loop while wallowing is based on me listening to One Of Us by ABBA on loop while writing his wallowing  
> 2) in fact I've been listening to nothing but ABBA all day every day for the past week  
> 3) there will be more ABBA in the next chapter. it didn't quite make the cut for this one because I couldn't reach another good ending point soon enough, but rest assured it will be there.  
> 4) happy four year anniversary of the day he had to do it to em/fingers in his ass sunday  
> 5) sorry if this sucks and sorry that it's so short and sorry that we're still not done yet aaa we haven't even gotten to the vidcon part yet but at least that's coming up so look forward to it please  
> as always thank you for reading and for any comments and kudos! they keep me going in these dark dark times


	5. Chapter 5, And We Finally Begin To Near A Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All gays love ABBA, Cecil is an emotional drunk, and we experience Dialoguefest 2018 from Dana's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of the content in this chapter was actually written for chapter 4 but then chapter 4 got too long so that's why y'all are getting this so soon
> 
> EDIT: added a crucial line at the end

**_from Dana, 4:16pm_ **

_he’s not answering the door_

**_from Maureen, 4:16pm_ **

_carlos dont take this personally but you really fucked up_

**_from Dana,  4:16pm_ **

_maureen you’re like a sister to me but please shut it_

**_from Maureen, 4:16pm_ **

_that’s fair_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:17pm_ **

_I’m sorry. I forgot._

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:17pm_ **

_also does this really need to be the group chat name?_

**_from Maureen, 4:17pm_ **

_yes_

**_from Dana, 4:17pm_ **

_yes_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:18pm_ **

_does Kareem have any ideas?_

**_from Dana, 4:18pm_ **

_he’s not here yet, he’s getting coffee_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:18pm_ **

_is that really the best idea right now?_

**_from Maureen, 4:18pm_ **

_you dont know cecil like we know cecil_

**_from Dana, 4:19pm_ **

_hang on, I have an idea_

**_from Maureen, 4:20pm_ **

_ayy lmao_

**_from Maureen, 4:20pm_ **

_also oh my god shes fucking chiquititaing him_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:20pm_ **

_???_

**_from Maureen, 4:20pm_ **

_IT WORKED_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:21pm_ **

_please explain_

**_from Maureen, 4:21pm_ **

_you know the scene where meryl is crying in the bathroom because colin and pierce and stellan all just showed up out of nowhere like they had the right to be there and she had all of those conflicting feelings about seeing the three men she once loved all together on the day before her daughters wedding_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:22pm_ **

_oh my god._

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:22pm_ **

_that actually worked?_

**_from Maureen, 4:22pm_ **

_it 100 percent fucking did_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:22pm_ **

_Benny and Bjorn save us once again._

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:22pm_ **

_shouldn't you be in there too though? as the Tanya to her Rosie?_

**_from Maureen, 4:22pm_ **

_bold of you to assume i can sing_

**_from Maureen, 4:23pm_ **

_but thank you for recognizing my Big Tanya Energy_

**_from Maureen, 4:23pm_ **

_oh shit theyre coming out_

**_from Maureen, 4:23pm_ **

_[insert gay joke here]_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:23pm_ **

_Maureen._

**_from Maureen, 4:24pm_ **

_yeah yeah i know_

**_from Maureen, 4:24pm_ **

_jesus his eyes are really red_

 

Carlos’ chest clenched with guilt. Cecil was already hurting because of him, and he had to go and make it worse, just because he wanted to defend ABBA as a musical group.

 _To be fair,_ a part of him began, _they did actively produce bop after bop for ten years. That’s no small feat, and their achievements should be duly acknowledged._

 _To be fair, shut the fuck up,_ the rest of him responded. _That’s not what’s important right now. What’s important right now is that I might’ve just ruined my friendship with Cecil._

 

**_from Maureen, 4:26pm_ **

_you still there carlos?_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:26pm_ **

_yeah._

**_from Maureen, 4:26pm_ **

_alright_

**_from Maureen, 4:27pm_ **

_were going inside now_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:27pm_ **

_should you be on your phone?_

**_from Maureen, 4:27pm_ **

_dw about it_

**_from Maureen, 4:27pm_ **

_im always on my phone, he wont suspect anythin_

**_from Maureen, 4:28pm_ **

_okay so i dont want you to feel guilty_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:28pm_ **

_what is it._

**_from Maureen, 4:28pm_ **

_there are at least six shot glasses on the coffee table_

**_from Maureen, 4:28pm_ **

_knowing cecil thats around 10 or 12 shots_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:29pm_ **

_oh._

**_from Maureen, 4:29pm_ **

_yeah_

**_from Dana, 4:29pm_ **

_alright I made him go to the bathroom to wash his face so I can text for a minute_

**_from Maureen, 4:30pm_ **

_its so weird just the two of us sitting on this couch texting to each other_

**_from Dana, 4:30pm_ **

_well I mean carlos has to be able to see it_

**_from Maureen, 4:30pm_ **

_yeah its just kinda funny_ _  
_

**_from Dana, 4:30pm_ **

_yeah it’s like a political cartoon_

**_from Maureen, 4:31pm_ **

_ooghgh technology bad fire scary thomas edison was a witch_

**_from Dana, 4:31pm_ **

_yeah that_

**_from Dana, 4:31pm_ **

_oh shoot he’s coming back, I should put my phone away_

**_from Maureen, 4:32pm_ **

_yeah if we’re both on our phones hell get suspish_

**_from Maureen, 4:32pm_ **

_oh fuck yeah danas putting on mamma mia_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:32pm_ **

_is Kareem there yet?_

**_from Maureen, 4:33pm_ **

_dana said he said there was hold up at the starbucks_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:33pm_ **

_again, I must ask:_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:33pm_ **

_is it really the best idea to give Cecil coffee, as drunk as he is?_

**_from Maureen, 4:34pm_ **

_oh dw it wont have caffeine in it_

**_from Maureen, 4:34pm_ **

_you should be more worried about his teeth falling out from the sugar tbh_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:34pm_ **

_that is not reassuring in the slightest._

**_from Maureen, 4:35pm_ **

_shhhhh meryl is watching over us well be fine_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:35pm_ **

_you’ve got me there._

**_from Maureen, 4:35pm_ **

_alright movies starting ttyl binch_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:36pm_ **

_wait I thought you were going to keep me posted!!_

**_from Dana, 4:36pm_ **

_we'll let you know if something happens, but right now we really need to be here for cecil, okay?_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 4:36pm_ **

_okay._

 

Carlos locked his phone and set it face down on his desk. He sat there for a bit, bouncing his leg absentmindedly, and tried to think of something to do. Going on the Minecraft server would be pointless; only Steve was on now that Maureen and Dana were at Cecil's. _I hope Cecil is doing alright…_ He shook his head. It would do him no good to sit and stress over a situation he couldn't do anything about.

…

He picked up his phone again, just in case had Dana texted him without him noticing.

His lock screen was void of notifications.

 

**4:38 PM**

**Sat, 16 June**

 

Carlos began to panic for an entirely different reason. _How did I forget to prepare for VidCon?! I've got less than a week!_ He practically ripped his laptop open and pulled up his email. He had a lot of work to do.

* * *

 

It was a funny thing, Dana's friendship with Cecil. It was hard to believe the man before her now, thoroughly shitfaced and crying over Mamma Mia!, was the same one she had been terrified of when she first applied for that internship at the college radio station all those years ago.

“Oh my gods Donna nooo, please don't cryyy,” Cecil blubbered through his coffee (which was honestly more whipped cream and sugar than actual coffee). “You're still important to her! Just because--” He let out a hiccuping sob. “--just because she's getting MARRIED that doesn't mean you're not still her MOM! She loves you, Donna! Never forget that!!”

Dana patted Cecil's shoulder consolingly. They probably should've watched the second movie.

“This is so sad,” Maureen deadpanned from across the couch, “Alexa, play Despacito.”

Cecil's Echo Dot softly pinged in the kitchen. “Playing Despacito by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee.”

Cecil turned to face the perpetrator of the vile deed. “Maureen, I will strike you down where you stand,” he growled, his words still surprisingly clear considering the amount of vodka in his system.

“I'm not standing,” Maureen said with a smirk.

“I will force you to stand up just for me to strike you down again.”

“Go ahead and try.”

Dana sighed and stood up, stretching her arms out above her head. “I'm going to the bathroom before this gets ugly. Please don't kill each other while I'm gone.” She walked towards the hallway, but stopped halfway and turned back around, pointing a finger at each of them in turn. “And no maiming either.”

“You have my word,” Cecil said.

“No promises,” Maureen said, at the same time.

Dana smiled and rolled her eyes before finally turning back around and walking down the hall.

Dana found nothing substantial in her thorough investigation of Cecil's bathroom, thank god. The only thing she found to be out of the ordinary was that the timer cap on Cecil's bottle of anxiety medication showed that it was last opened over thirty hours ago. _Well, that explains a bit._ There was no way he could take today's dose now, so she put it back. She was definitely going to text him tomorrow morning to remind him, though.

THUD.

“Let go of me, old man!!”

Dana quickly grabbed two ibuprofen and hurried back out into the living room.

* * *

 

“This is not how you behave in a professional relationship!!”

“I'm not your boss anymore!”

“Then as my friend, STOP NOOGIEING ME, you BASTARD!!”

“No one tells the president what to do!”

Dana sighed into her hands. Kareem sat idly by, a smirk on his face as he texted who Dana assumed was his girlfriend about the current situation. “You're seriously not going to do anything about them?” Dana groaned.

“I am not my ex-boss’ keeper.” He typed some more, hit enter, and promptly pocketed his phone.

“Why did you even let it get this far?”

“I never said I didn't try. You know how Maureen is, and Cecil is too drunk to listen to anyone.”

“I can hear you, asshole!” Maureen protested from the floor.

Dana was about to try to stop Cecil's relentless assault on Maureen's scalp, but a joke popped into her head that was too good to resist.

 

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 6:08pm_ **

[1 attached file]

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 6:08pm_ **

_carlos come get yo mans_

**_from Carlos, 6:09pm_ **

_oh my god._

**_from Carlos, 6:09pm_ **

_is he giving her a noogie??_

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 6:09pm_ **

_he one hundred percent is_

**_from Carlos, 6:10pm_ **

_wild._

**_from Carlos, 6:10pm_ **

_glad to see he's at least feeling a little better._

**_to gay disaster unfuck team alpha, 6:10pm_ **

_yeah, turns out he forgot to take his meds today, so that explains earlier_

**_from Carlos, 6:11pm_ **

_oh._

 

“Put your phone down and HELP ME, Dana!!” Maureen snapped, still getting noogied.

“Don't poke bears if you don't want to get attacked. Or, don't poke twinks,” Dana laughed.

Cecil looked her dead in the eyes. “Dana, I love you like a niece, but keep talking like that and you're next.”

“Ooh, Dana's in trooouble,” Maureen crooned, apparently forgetting that she was also in trouble at the moment.

“Says the one in a headlock,” Kareem snorted, on his phone again now, probably posting the incident on Twitter. _Come to think of it…_

“Hey Kareem, we gave you the login to the Twitter, right?”

Cecil's grip on Maureen lessened, and she took the opportunity to scramble to her feet. If he noticed, he didn't make an attempt to do anything about it, instead looking at Dana bemusedly. “What Twitter?”

Kareem addressed Dana instead. “Yeah, a month or two ago. That's where I was just posting, actually.”

“What Twitter?”

“Okay, good.”

“Hey. Hey.” Drunk Cecil was relentless, but then again, so was sober Cecil. “Hey. Dana. What are you guys talking about?”

Maureen answered him first. “‘Stupid Shit My Ex-Boss Has Done’, it's actually pretty popular.”

“First of all, wow, rude.” Cecil crossed his arms. “Second of all, I don't do stupid things. At least not THAT often.”

“You broke three fingers with your coffee hammer at once, looked down at your hand, shrugged, and kept going.”

“You made all of us buy Minecraft as a prerequisite for our internships.”

“You made a YouTube channel.”

“Okay, that one's just mean.” Cecil pouted. “Anyway, that's all little stuff.”

“ _You think breaking three fingers at once is little--_ ”

“Fingers are small!!”

“Don't worry, we don't post on it too often,” Kareem said, obviously filming the whole argument to post it on the Twitter.

“You are all the worst.”

“We can't all be disaster gays,” Maureen remarked, now filming Kareem filming Cecil.

“I am most certainly NOT a disaster gay!!”

Dana didn't even know how Cecil was still conscious at this point.

“You were shitfaced and crying over Mamma Mia! because Carlos saw you shitfaced and crying over him.”

At the mention of Carlos’ name, Cecil dropped his arms, fell back onto the carpet, and let out a long whine.

“Dammit, Maureen.”

“Whoops.”

* * *

 

Two hours. It had been two hours, and Cecil still hadn't moved.

_“One of us is cryyying--”_

“Cecil,” Dana began. Cecil whined in response.

_“One of us is lyyying--”_

“It's really not that bad, Cecil!” Another whine.

_“In her lonely beeed--”_

Dana sighed and turned to the kitchen. “Alexa, pause.” Cecil made a noise that was probably supposed to be a ‘no’, but didn't quite get there. Dana crossed her arms. “You're not going to fix the situation by just lying there for the rest of your life, Cecil.”

“How do yooou know that, you've never triiied it,” Cecil mumbled, throwing an arm over his face. _Well, he moved a little bit. That's progress, right?_ Dana was going to count it as progress. “There's nothin’ to fix. ‘S not salvageable. Game over. 'M gonna have to skip town and change my name again.”

“Again--?” Dana shook her head. “Nope, nevermind, that's not important right now.”

“It was pretty important to Bakersfield. They're still looking for me.”

“I'm going to ignore that.” Dana stood up. “You need to talk to Carlos.” Cecil let out another whine. “And to do that, you're going to need to stand up.”

Cecil shook his head. “I think I'll just lie here, thanks.”

“If I lay here,” Maureen said, monotone, from her seat at the kitchen counter.

“If I just laaay here,” Cecil warbled in response, very out of tune.

“Would you lie with me,” Kareem's voice could be heard from the bathroom.

"And just forget the world," Dana finished before she could stop herself. “Dammit.”

“Lmao,” Maureen said, out loud, in a real life, spoken conversation.

“Alright, enough is enough. Up you go.” Dana grabbed Cecil's arm and pulled, prompting more unhappy noises from her former boss as he was dragged to his feet. “Let's go. Time to do something about the situation.” She slung his arm over her shoulder, not because he was unable to stand on his own, but because she didn't want him to be able to lie back down.

“I already told you, it's a lost cause. I messed things up beyond repair.”

Dana turned and locked eyes with Cecil. “Cecil. Listen to me. Carlos cares about you. He would never hold something like this over your head.”

“And if he did?” Maureen made a punching motion. “We'd beat the shit out of him.”

“Thanks, Maureen.” Dana rolled her eyes. _At least she's trying_.

“Don't beat up Carlos,” Cecil mumbled, “he's too sweet and perfect.”

“And would someone sweet and perfect judge you for having feelings, Cecil?” _I really hope this works._

“...No.”

“So would Carlos?”

“...No! He wouldn't! Because Carlos is sweet and perfect!!” Cecil was getting louder now, and was the most enthusiastic Dana had seen him all day (save for when he was noogieing Maureen, of course). _Oh thank god, he finally got it._

“That's right!”

Cecil pulled his arm off of Dana's shoulders suddenly and pressed a hand to his chin. “I really should make it up to him, though. But how?”

“Well, you could message him and let him know you're alright--” Dana didn't get to finish her sentence, but she didn't really expect anything less.

“Did you say ‘over-the-top gesture’?”

Dana sighed a sigh that was equal parts tired and fond. “No, but you wouldn't really be you if you listened to me, would you?”

“Well, when you put it THAT way it just sounds rude.” Cecil crossed his arms and pouted, before planting his fists on his hips and giving a wide grin. "Anyway, pack your bags! We're going to LA!”

“All four of us?” If Maureen was excited at the prospect, she certainly didn't sound like it.

“Of--” Cecil paused. “Hold on a second.” He walked calmly into the kitchen, leaned over the sink, and puked. Dana wasn’t sure how he'd gone so long without doing so up until now. He spun on his heel, wiped his mouth with with back of his hand-- _Gross._ \--and smiled again. “Of course! It wouldn't be a road trip without my favorite interns!”

A part of Dana distantly wondered if she should tell Carlos about this.

 _...Nah._ What's the worst that could possibly happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW MANY MAJOR PLOT POINTS CAN I MAKE INVOLVE ABBA? LET'S FIND OUT.
> 
> sorry that this chapter is like. 100% dialogue. also sorry if Kareem is poorly characterized I just legit know zero about his character so I sorta winged it. also sorry that I don't know how to write drunk people because I have literally never interacted with a drunk person in my life. I personally like to believe that Cecil is a very coherent (and emotional) drunk idk. I hope y'all find the Dana-centered bits up to snuff. I didn't do as much internal dialogue/monologue with her bc the way I write and hc Carlos' thinking is based off of my thinking but I believe Dana is way less of a mess than me so I had no idea what to do lmao. sorry if this is all gobbledygook this chapter was entirely written at school it is club rush season and I am so so tired.
> 
> (also everyone in every single fic I write is trans, autistic, and has anxiety thanks for coming to my ted talk)
> 
> thank you for reading and I hope you've enjoyed the ride so far, now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go chug a crystal pepsi and take a nap


	6. Chapter 6, And How The Fuck Are We Not Done Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fuckening doth arrive.

“I'm going to be offline for a few days, dear listeners. Something has come up.” Cecil some the words evenly, carefully and intentionally neutral. It made Carlos nervous. No, not nervous. Anxious. Was this because of him? Dana had told him last night that everything was fine, but what if she was lying to make him feel better? What if Cecil's emotional state suddenly declined after she left? He paused the video, realizing he hadn't been listening to anything Cecil was saying, and pulled out his phone.

 

**_to Dana, 3:25pm_ **

_is Cecil alright???_

**_from Dana, 3:26pm_ **

_why do you ask?_

**_to Dana, 3:26pm_ **

_he said in his video he was going offline for awhile and I was worried that it was because of something I’d done._

**_from Dana, 3:27pm_ **

_oh. that._

**_to Dana, 3:27pm_ **

_yeah, that._

**_from Dana, 3:27pm_ **

_I don’t think I should tell you about that_

**_to Dana, 3:28pm_ **

_what!!_

**_to Dana, 3:28pm_ **

_what happened?!_

**_from Dana, 3:28pm_ **

_I don’t think cecil would want you to know_

**_from Dana, 3:29pm_ **

_sorry carlos_

**_from Dana, 3:29pm_ **

_just trust me on this_

**_to Dana, 3:29pm_ **

_that’s not reassuring in the slightest!!!!!_

**_from Dana, 3:30pm_ **

_sorry, I have to go now!_

**_to Dana, 3:30pm_ **

_Dana!!!!!!!!_

* * *

“Dana?” Cecil didn’t usually have to say Dana’s name more than twice to get her attention, so he was a little bit concerned, having just said it for the fifth time. He gently laid a hand on her shoulder and her head snapped up. “You alright, Dana?”

She turned and gave him a smile so purely and delightfully _her_ that he suddenly felt silly for worrying. “Sorry, yeah, I’m good. I just got wrapped up in texting.”

Cecil narrowed his eyes at her. “...Who are you texting?” She immediately reacted, avoiding eye contact, shuffling her feet, and in general looking very much like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. _Gotcha!_ “Oooh, does our little Dana have… a _crush?_ ” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully.

She looked at him blankly, blinking slowly, as though processing what he had said. _Well, that wasn’t the reaction I was going for--_ Dana suddenly covered her mouth with one hand, but that wasn’t enough contain her little snorting laughs. The fit escalated until she had thrown her head back, both arms over her stomach, filling the space with unrestrained laughter completely different from what Cecil had come to label as ‘Dana Giggles’. Now it was his turn to be confused. “So, I assume it’s not a crush, then…?” he asked, once she had finished and caught her breath.

She laughed again, only once this time, and shook her head. “I would certainly hope not. You’d rip me to shreds.”

Cecil squinted at her, his eyebrows furrowed. “Steve?”

“I thought you guys were on good terms now.”

“We are. The ripping to shreds would be on my sister’s behalf, not out of disgust.”

“Good to know.” She pocketed her phone. “Anyway, my bags are in the car, so I’m ready to go whenever you guys are.” _Oh, right! Road trip!_

“Alright!” He planted his fists on his hips definitively, but couldn’t help but feel like something was off. _Are we forgetting something? Maybe I should ask Kareem._

_...Wait._

“Where are Kareem and Maureen?”

Dana gestured towards the door. “They decided to wait in the car. They--” She frowned. “They do know that the air conditioning doesn’t run without the engine turned on, right?” Cecil shrugged. “It’s like ninety degrees out there!”

As if on cue, Maureen slammed the door open, her shirt already drenched in sweat.

“Hey Maureen.” Cecil gave a half wave, keys in hand. Maureen glared at him by way of response. Kareem stuck his head in the doorway a moment later, his hair beginning to slip out of the bun he had so meticulously braided it into.

“We should probably get going soon.”

Cecil nodded, hoisting the strap of his duffle bag over his shoulder. “Alright. Let’s do this.” He was about to step outside when Dana cleared her throat. He turned to face her. “Yes, Dana?”

She looked at him with a kind tiredness.

“Your meds, Cecil.”

“Oh, right! Let me just--”

He dashed to the bathroom, plucked the little orange bottles out of the cabinet, and ran back to the front room. He all but jumped over the counter separating the living room from the kitchenette before sticking his head under the sink’s faucet and getting a mouthful (and faceful) of water, throwing a few pills into his open mouth, and swallowing the whole thing in one gulp. Dana stared at him, a look that said ‘I love you like a brother, but I am so, so done’, so he stared back, faucet still running over his face.

“What?” he said, his voice coming out in glubs as his mouth filled with water again. “You got a problem, punk?” He ended his sentence by accidentally inhaling some of the water, and promptly collapsed against the counter in a coughing fit.

“Are you alright?!” Oh, and if hearing Dana worried wasn’t a punch to the heart. Still pressed against the counter and coughing, he raised one hand in the air in a thumbs up. “Oh my god. You’re going to get yourself killed one of these days, Cecil.”

He pushed himself off of the counter until he was in a position that kinda passed as standing upright, and looked Dana dead in the eyes. “Good.” He coughed again, and Dana rushed to his side, letting him lean up against her for support.

“You’re not allowed to die,” Maureen snarked from the doorway, “you’re the only one of us who can drive. Which is weird, considering you're the disaster gay.”

Cecil opened his mouth to retort, but Maureen merely gestured at the sink. He crossed his arms and looked away in indignation. "Whatever, let's just get going.” Cecil patted his pockets. _Where are my--_ Dana held up his keys. “Oh.” He held up a hand, signaling for her to throw them to him. She sighed, walked over, and handed them to him, apparently not wanting to risk another near-death experience. “Thanks, Dana. _Now_ let’s get going.”

The walk to the car was unmonumental, which was fitting, because Cecil’s car was unmonumental. Cecil slid into the driver’s seat, the worn cushioning providing just the right amount of comfort to not be a problem, and just the right amount of discomfort to keep him awake for the drive. Dana took her place as shotgun (“I called dibs, Dana!!” “Do you really want to navigate, Maureen?” “...Keep it.”), and Maureen and Kareem piled into the cramped backseat. “Cecil,” Maureen began, fingers steepled in front of her mouth, “why the everloving _fuck_ is there a humidifier in your car?”

Cecil gave her a look in the rear view mirror. “Uh, to _humidify_ , duh,” he said, like it was the simplest thing in the world, because to him it was. Maureen sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Anyway, do we have everything?” Kareem nodded, Dana gave him a thumbs up, and Maureen flipped him off; he considered it a resounding yes. “Alright. California, here we come!”

This was going to be the best week of Cecil's life.

* * *

This was, without a doubt, the worst week of Carlos’ life. Mark and Luisa suddenly got sick, leaving him and Nilanjana with all of the prep for the convention. _They wouldn't have been much help anyway,_ Carlos told himself, as though saying it enough would make the work any less tiring. (It didn't.) On top of that, while he was out doing the running around that would've been Mark's job, an three inch nail got embedded in one of his tires, and _of course_ he didn't have a spare, and so he had to go to the local garage to get a replacement, but they were out of the kind he used, so he had to run back and forth all over town looking for a goddamn tire, and--

It was just _bad_.

Even worse than that, though, was how tightly wound and anxious the whole situation with Cecil had left him. Granted, he was usually tightly wound and anxious, but _that_ was a reasonable amount. _This_ was just ridiculous. His leg was bouncing at at least twice its normal rate, he couldn’t work for five minutes without checking each and every one of Cecil’s social media pages, and it was only getting worse. Nilanjana had done her best to reassure him that everything was fine, but it didn’t help. She gave up after a few tries-- _Three and a half tries,_ a part of Carlos provided-- and went back to her own work. Something about one of the signs having too much text on the left half? Carlos wasn’t really listening. It made him feel even worse. He checked Cecil’s Tumblr again.

* * *

“Maureen, pose with [ this merman ](https://s3-media2.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/EJiZsDzWN2AB6B3uhJCP5g/o.jpg) for me.”

“Absolutely not. That thing looks disgusting.”  
  
“Dana?”

“Cecil, you’re like a weird uncle to me, but no.”

“Kareem?”

“Sure, why not.”

* * *

To his surprise, Cecil had actually posted a new picture on his Tumblr. What it was of, though, Carlos had no idea.

**nightvalenews: big sexy (and intern kareem)**

_Alright, that’s what it is, I guess._ In his relief, he didn’t consider thinking on where Cecil may or may not have taken the photo. 

* * *

“Dana, look! Alien jerky!”

“Is it made _out of_ aliens or _by_ aliens?”

" _By_ aliens. Christ, Dana, it’s like you don’t even know the lore. Smh, fake fan.”

“See, even Maureen knows what’s up.”

* * *

It seemed like Cecil was doing one post a day, which was strange, but at least he was still posting. This one was a picture of… alien jerky?

 

**nightvalenews: it’s not freaking vore you piece of poop maureen**

 

Carlos thought briefly on how adorable it was that Cecil even censored his memes before his mind was once again occupied by last minute prep work. He was almost done with his share of the work, thank god. He finished his last task, closing his laptop victoriously before just sitting and thinking. He hadn’t had much time to think in the past week. Predictably, his thoughts drifted back to Cecil. He really should tell him how he felt, shouldn’t he? But how to do it...?

Nilanjana was editing his last pre-VidCon video when the idea struck him. He was surprised he hadn’t thought of it earlier, to be honest.

“Hey, Nilanjana, could you put [ a song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEbzTe0CzT8) in the end card for me?”

* * *

The big day finally arrived. Well, maybe finally wasn’t the right word, since it arrived much quicker than Carlos had expected; the last few days had flown by like he was in some sort of lazily written montage. The first day of the convention also passed in a blur. He signed autographs, took photos with fans, and spent basically the whole time wondering if Cecil had seen his video. He probably should’ve been paying more attention to the fans, but he couldn’t help it. If Cecil saw it and understood what he meant…

He didn’t want to think on it.

But he also _really, really did._

He was packing up their booth at the end of day one when Nilanjana finally said something. “You know I don’t like to pry.”  
  
Carlos could feel himself breaking out into a sweat. “Yeah…?” _Please do not go the direction I think you’re going to go._

“Something’s up, though, and it’s fucking up our synergy.” _Fuck._ He opened his mouth to reply, but she continued. “You don’t need to tell me what it is. You just need to do something about it. Okay?” She gave him a look that was the equivalent of a comforting hand on his shoulder. He appreciated it. “Your team’s always here for you if you need us. Even if Mark and Luisa are… Mark and Luisa.”

Carlos gave a tired smile, the first genuine smile to cross his face all day. “Thanks, Nilanjana. I don’t think it’ll be a problem for much longer.”

* * *

Day two didn’t start off much better than day one, which was disappointing. Carlos helped Nilanjana set up the booth, sat down behind the table, and thought about Cecil. He thought about him for a long while, as he often did, absentmindedly signing autographs. He was in the middle of one such autograph when he heard a familiar voice down the hall, causing his arm to jerk, dragging his marker clean across whatever it was he was signing. He didn’t even look at this point, he just signed whatever was held out to him. _Probably a poster, and probably ruined now._ He started to apologize to the fan, who looked like they were about to cry, but stopped short when he heard the voice again.

“Earl? Earl Harlan?” The voice was calling out, sonorous and powerful. He only knew one voice that sounded like that. He apologized to the fan again-- quickly this time, and for a completely different reason-- and took off at a run, pushing through the crowd in an attempt to get to the source of the sound. He found himself at a booth for another YouTuber, some cooking channel that he had personally never heard of but seemed to have a sizeable following.

“Cecil, you son of a gun! How have you been?” A tall, well-built man in an apron had his arm around Cecil’s shoulders, and Carlos felt a cold shard of jealousy lodge itself in his chest. “I haven’t seen you since high school! You look… exactly the same, actually.”

Cecil laughed, and oh, what Carlos wouldn’t give to hear that sound for the rest of his life. “I clearly can’t say the same for you! You’re so _built_ now! Who are you and what did you do with the beanpole I once knew?” He poked at Earl’s chest accusingly, and they both laughed again. They spoke so easily, completely isolated from the crowd that surrounded them. It was like no one else existed to them, and it made Carlos feel awful. He began to trudge back to his booth when Earl spoke again.

“So, what brings you to VidCon, Cecil?” Carlos stopped in his tracks. _So he isn’t here for Earl…? Why else would he come, if not for his friend?_

“Well, I actually came here to see-- Carlos!!” The way he said Carlos’ name made him feel like he might die right there. His voice was so full of pure, unadulterated joy, and Carlos turned to find that his face did, in fact, match.

“Uh.” _Shit! Do something!_ An awkward wave counts as something, right? “Hey.” He smiled self-consciously, but the expression was quickly replaced with shock as he had an armful of YouTuber thrown against him, and a pair of arms wrapped around his neck.

“Oh my gods, it’s actually you!! I can’t believe--” Cecil stopped mid sentence, removed himself from Carlos, and started to speak again. “I’m _so_ sorry about that. I just, um, got excited.”

Carlos was glad there were no mirrors around, because he was sure his face was cherry red. “It’s-- it’s fine. Should we, uh, go to my booth? So we’re not, like, impeding traffic for Earl’s booth?”

Cecil smiled at him, a wide, dreamy smile, and he could feel his stomach flip. “Dear Carlos, you are _so_ considerate.”

He resisted the urge to do something rash, and instead opted to lace his fingers through Cecil’s. “...So we don’t get separated. In the crowd. It’s pretty, uh-- it’s pretty packed,” he stammered, a desperate ‘no homo’ tacked onto the fact that he was _holding Cecil’s hand oh my god what were you thinking Carlos we can’t do this._ He didn’t feel the many, many people he bumped into on the way back across the hall; all of his attention was focused on the feeling of Cecil’s hand in his own. _He has really soft skin,_ part of him observed. _I know, right?_ another part of him echoed the sentiment. _Hey, maybe you could, y’know? Shut up??_ the main part of him contributed. Cecil followed him silently, and every time Carlos looked back he still had that same goofy smile on his face. He found it incredibly endearing. He also found it incredibly distracting, a fact he realized when he ran headfirst into someone in a mascot costume. _I_ really _hope that’s a mascot costume._ Whatever it was, he bounced harmlessly off of the thick foam, and landed square on his ass on the floor. The worst part was that his hand had slipped out of Cecil’s in the process, and he desperately longed for the now missing contact. The _best_ part was that Cecil was now kneeling in front of him, both hands on his shoulders.

“Are you alright? People really need to watch where they're going, I swear.” He was wrong earlier. The worst part was hearing Cecil worried. No, not worried, concerned. No, not concerned. Worried. He placed his hands over Cecil’s.

“I’m fine, Cecil. Don’t worry about it. It was my fault anyway.” He reluctantly broke the contact to stand up, but realized with a jolt of pain that he had twisted his ankle in the fall. If the look he was being given was any indication, Cecil had noticed too. “Okay, maybe I'm not fine. But I can still make it to the booth.” Cecil tsked and shook his head.

“That’ll make it worse. Here--” Cecil grabbed Carlos’ arm and looped it over his shoulders. “Better?”

_OH FUCK. OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK._ “Yeah. Better.” With that, they set off in the direction of Carlos’ booth, the crowd parting in front of them to let them through.

Nilanjana gave him a knowing look as he approached the table. He could only imagine what he looked like: arm around Cecil and face like a tomato. Her face changed, as though she suddenly realized who he was with. “Hey Cecil.”

This took Carlos by surprise. “You know Cecil?”

Nilanjana looked at him, a sort of _are you kidding me_ look on her face. “I edit your videos, Carlos.”

“That doesn’t explain how you know what he looks like.”

The look increased in intensity. “First, I can’t think of anyone else you would blush so hard around.” Carlos blushed even harder at this, and he felt Cecil stiffen by just a fraction under his arm. “Second, he’s Kareem’s ex-boss.”

Cecil’s face lit up, and Carlos couldn’t tear his eyes away. In his peripheral vision, he saw Nilanjana briefly smirk. “You know int-- Kareem?” He suddenly squinted at her. “Wait. He didn’t show you that Twitter page they run, did he?”

“We’re dating.” She smirked again. “And he absolutely did.”

“Gods damn it.” He crossed his arms indignantly. “When’s the last post?”

Nilanjana pulled out her phone and searched for a bit before answering him. “Today, 8AM.”

“What?! Let me see that!” Cecil snatched her proffered phone, looked at the screen, and turned bright red. He practically shoved the phone back into her hands, and Carlos’ interest was piqued.

“What did it say?”

“Not important. You don’t want to know.”

“It can’t be _that_ bad.” He took the phone from Nilanjana.

 

**Dumb Shit My Ex-Boss Does @exbosssdumbshit 6h**

drags us on a 14 hour road trip just to get some dick

(and doesnt even drive us to the right city)

 

_Oh. Alright._

“I am so _, so_ sorry, Carlos,” Cecil said.

“They know I don’t have a dick,” Carlos said at the same time.

“What?”

“What?”

“I said they know I don’t have a dick. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to give you some dick if I don’t have any.” He tilted his head to the side in confusion.

Cecil was blushing even more now. He sputtered for a moment before dragging his hands down his face and trying again. “...So, you’re trans?”

Carlos realized then that he had never thought about how Cecil might react to him being trans. “Uh, yeah. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, I just-- I never thought it pertinent to mention, but I realize now that I probably should’ve brought it up at some point and I’m sorry if you aren’t interested anymore--” Cecil cut him off by grabbing Carlos’ hand and placing it against his chest. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Cecil gave a little laugh and smiled, soft yet mirthful, and Carlos had to suppress the urge to kiss him right then and there.

Or, rather, he _tried_ to suppress it. He didn’t necessarily succeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *forgets that vidcon is in anaheim and not la*  
> me: that's cecil's problem now  
> also,  
> someone: you can't translate a montage into written media  
> me: *breaks fingers* watch me  
> anyway, sorry if y'all hate me for the chap ending. I hate me for it too. also I reread It Devours! yesterday and realized I'd been mischaracterizing Nils in my head this whole time, so I did my best to right that wrong. also sorry if it's a lil dialogue heavy near the end, a lot of this was written while sleep deprived. also shout out to Chloe for the idea of Carlos twisting his ankle. thanks for that, binch.
> 
> as always, thank you for taking the time to read this! it is so much easier to not do things than it is to do things, and it means a lot to me that you chose to do a thing and of all the things you could choose to do the thing you chose is reading my fic.


	7. Chapter 7, And OH THANK GOD FINALLY.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cecil and Carlos do some gay shit, and Maureen is herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god I am SO sorry for how long this took, and I really hope you can't tell where I got tired

Carlos jerked away, as though his lips had touched a live wire instead of Cecil's own. He had to try very hard to hide his disappointment, but knowing himself, he probably didn't do a very good job. This was confirmed by the deeply apologetic look on Carlos’ face, those beautiful brown eyes-- that he had so many times seen lit up with curiosity-- now clouded with doubt, downturned bashfully.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I should’ve asked, I--”

Cecil gently placed a hand on his cheek. “Oh, sweet, thoughtful Carlos. An honorable sentiment, but I do think you could stand to be more… _scientific_ about this.”

Carlos had a look that, if Cecil had to guess, was half confused, half intrigued. Contrigued. He pulled it off well. “...I _do_ like science. Please, elaborate.”

_Let’s do this._ “Let’s say that your hypothesis is that I’m interested.” He stroked his thumb over Carlos’ _godlike_ cheekbones idly, and Carlos nodded stiffly. “So, naturally, the next step would be to conduct an experiment, which you did.”

Carlos blushed, and Cecil was pretty sure it was the cutest thing he had ever seen. “Yeah.”

“So now you need to analyze your data.” Cecil leaned in and pressed his lips against the tender skin below Carlos’ ear, and relished in the small shudder the action elicited. “What does your data indicate?” he whispered.

“That we _definitely_ shouldn’t be doing this in public.” Carlos’ voice was strained, and Cecil couldn’t help but laugh.

“Any other conclusions?”

Carlos put a hand to his chin in mock thought. “I’m not sure we have enough data to go off of.” He smiled, a laughing smile, and Cecil would’ve fallen in love instantly if he hadn’t already fallen in love instantly for the exact same reason around a year ago. “We might need to repeat the experiment.”

“Always a good measure to take.” Cecil slid his hands off of Carlos’ shoulders, letting them brush along his sides until they finally settled on his hips. “Just make sure you… _isolate the variable_.”

“Guys, you’re blocking the booth.” At the sound of Nilanjana’s voice, Carlos practically leapt out of Cecil’s hold, his face flushed so red that it matched the _rather flattering_ flannel he was wearing. Cecil managed to drag his attention away from Carlos long enough to realize that a crowd had gathered around them, with many of them holding their phones up to film the two. A wolf whistle cut through the silence, and Carlos buried his face in his hands.

“On second thought, maybe we _should_ go somewhere a little more private.”

It turned out that the closest 'a little more private' spot was the bathroom. It wasn't ideal, but Cecil didn't mind as long as Carlos was there with him.The  _literal adonis_ in question tapped away at the screen of his phone, mouth twisted into a frown. It was-- attractive, of _course_ , but-- a poor use of the lips that Cecil now knew to be _incredibly_ soft. “Well, Leann has already posted a video on it.” He ran a hand through his _oh so perfect_ hair, mussing it in a way that was _absolutely sinful._ “How did she even get it edited that fast? It literally just happened!”

“Carlos, it’s Leann we’re talking about.” The video in question was probably ten minutes of her yelling at her phone camera while brandishing a hatchet. _They_ are _nice hatchets. Well made._

“Oh, right.” Carlos’ hand dropped to hang loosely at his side, and _oh_ what Cecil wouldn't give to hold that hand. “Well, what should we do now?” _I'M GLAD YOU ASKED._

“Well,” Cecil purred, “I seem to recall a certain _someone_ saying they need to collect more data.”

* * *

 

Carlos considered himself many things. Methodical? Yes. Attractive? Maybe. (He got told that he was a lot, but he couldn't quite see it.) Professional? Of course. The problem was, Cecil was making him act very _un_ professional. For instance, meeting fans, making small talk, and signing autographs? Professional.

Making out like teenagers in a convention hall bathroom? Unprofessional.

Making out like teenagers in a convention hall bathroom _with a man that you met on a Minecraft server_ ? _Highly_ unprofessional.

He voiced this thought once he came up for air, and Cecil laughed, arms still looped around Carlos’ neck. “Time spent in convention halls doesn’t count as time at all. That’s just how convention halls work. I’m pretty sure we’re not even real right now.”

“I really hope I’m real right now. That _this_ is real. Because I’ve been wanting this to be real for at least a year now.” He rested his chin in the space where Cecil’s neck met his collarbone, and felt him sigh contentedly against him.

“That, dear Carlos, is the biggest mood I have ever heard.”

“Oh my god.”

“Am I wrong?” He could hear the smirk in Cecil’s voice, and he was sure if he pulled away enough to see his face his hypothesis would be confirmed, but that was a measure he was too comfortable to take. And so they stayed there, pressed against each other, frozen in time. So frozen, in fact, that they didn’t even notice the creak of the door opening.

“Oh, sorry, are you guys in the middle of something?” Kareem’s voice managed to catch their attention, as well as scare the shit out of them.

“Um, yeah, we kinda were!” Cecil’s voice was at least an octave higher than Carlos had ever heard it before. It was honestly kind of cute.

“Alright, well, I’ll just…” Kareem backed out of the doorway and let the door swing shut. They fell into silence once again, the new one far less comfortable than the old one.

Carlos cleared his throat. “Wanna get out of here?”

Cecil gave him that smile, and _god_ he could get used to seeing that. “I thought you’d never ask.”

After a hurried apology to Nilanjana (met with an _I already knew this was going to happen, go ahead and have fun you useless gays_ sort of look), they ended up at a sandwich shop. Not the most romantic place to be, but certainly higher on the list than a public bathroom. They sat at a table outside, enjoying the nice weather as they ate their sandwiches and chatted about anything and everything.

“So you seriously thought LA and Anaheim were the same place?”

Cecil crossed his arms. “I’m not from California, okay? You guys have too many big cities, I swear.”

Carlos shrugged. “You’ve got me there.” He took a sip of his drink before speaking again. Something about Cecil made him talk more than usual. Maybe it was the way that Cecil listened so intently, no matter what he was saying. Maybe it was the moonstruck smile that stretched across his face every time Carlos spoke. Either way, he kept going. “So, what city did you say you’re from, again?”

“Truth or Consequences.” Carlos must’ve had a visible reaction, because Cecil chuckled and continued. “It’s a strange name, I know.”

“It’s very… it’s very Night Vale. I like it.”

Cecil’s smile turned shy and he ducked his head, apparently very focused on stirring his smoothie. “I’m glad. That you like Night Vale.” _How could I not, when it brought me to you?_ Cecil blushed. Why was he blushing? ...Wait.

“Did I-- did I say that out loud?”

Cecil laughed, a soft sound that Carlos would do his darnedest to commit to memory. “You might’ve.”

“Oh.” He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. “Well, I, uh-- I meant it.”

Cecil beamed. “I gathered as much from the end card.” _Oh. Right. That’s a thing that I did._ “I feel like I should be upset, honestly. I mean, that’s _my_ gimmick!” He laughed again-- a surer, more confident laugh which Carlos found he liked just as much, if not more so. “You’re lucky you’re so cute, else you’d be hearing from my lawyer, Mr. Scientist.”

Carlos somehow managed to keep himself from dissolving into a stuttering, blushing mess at the compliment, instead only taking a moment to formulate a reply. He considered it a victory. “I don’t see your name on it. Awfully bold of you to threaten legal action over something that doesn’t even belong to you in the first place. Why, I ought to be pressing charges of my own for defamation of character!” He pressed a hand to his chest in mock offense. “I expected better of you, Mr. Voice. If that even is your real name!” Cecil full-on guffawed at that one, catching Carlos off guard. It also caught the people at the tables next to theirs off guard, and Carlos saw at least a few of them glare at him. He _really_ hoped that the deeply apologetic look on his face was enough to placate them.

Cecil seemed to catch on almost immediately, and clapped a hand over his own mouth. “Oops. Sorry about that.” He lowered his hand, his gaze following it to his drink. “Anyway, it’s Palmer,” he said softly, before looking up at Carlos through his lashes with a smirk. “So if you’re going to address me with the respect I deserve, you might as well do it properly.” He winked, and Carlos realized for the nth time just how fucked he was.

“I assure you, Mr. Palmer, I won’t make such an egregious mistake again.”

* * *

 

 

They were halfway back to the convention center when a question popped into his head, something he should’ve asked Cecil at least an hour ago. “Hey, Cecil,” he began, and Cecil tilted his head in a way that was both inquisitive and _very_ adorable. “How long are you going to be in California?”

“Well, about that...” Carlos braced himself for bad news at the words, but instead found Cecil grinning ear to ear. “I’m actually moving out here soon!”

“That’s-- that’s fantastic, Cecil!” He laughed, the sort of laugh that one laughs when they’re just so happy they’re not sure what else to do. The kind of laugh that more _escapes_ than is _released_. _I should probably stop thinking about laughs and listen to Cecil._

“Yeah! Some radio show in LA was looking for a new host, and I guess someone showed them my channel because next thing I knew they were asking for my resumé, and now I’ve got a job! Funny how those things happen, isn’t it?” He shrugged. “So, I guess we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other…?” Cecil trailed off, as if waiting for confirmation from Carlos.

He was more than happy to give it. “Yeah! Yeah. Yes. I suppose we will.” _Oh my god, you idiot._ “I-- I would like that a lot.”

Ping!

The two shared a brief facial journey that roughly translated to ‘phone? yours? mine? where?’ as they both began to rummage through their respective pockets. It would be weird to rummage through each other’s pockets.

_In public, at least,_ the weirdly shameless part of Carlos tacked on.

_Idea: shut up,_ the rest of him replied.

By the time he had finished reprimanding a fragment of himself, Cecil had already located the offending notification. “Oh my gods, seriously?” he huffed, and turned the screen to Carlos.

 

**Dumb Shit My Ex-Boss Does @exbosssdumbshit 2m**

abandon us at vidcon to go canoodle some nerd

|

**Dumb Shit My Ex-Boss Does @exbosssdumbshit 47s**

(C this is D please come back M is trying to fist fight pikachu)

|

**Dumb Shit My Ex-Boss Does @exbosssdumbshit just now**

((oh fuck is that security))

|

**Dumb Shit My Ex-Boss Does @exbosssdumbshit just now**

(((YEP THAT’S SECURITY I’M OUT I’M OUT)))

 

Cecil pocketed his phone, pressed a hand to his forehead, and let out a long sigh. “And they wonder why I never paid them.”

"I thought it was because the gears of capitalism are oiled with the blood of the working class.”

Cecil shrugged nonchalantly. "That too."

…

They stood in silence.

…

“...Should we go help Dana?”

“Yeah, probably.”

* * *

 

“You can’t Thunderbolt your way out of this one, you fuzzy motherfucker!” Maureen shouted, still grappling with whoever was unfortunate enough to be encased in those layers of foam and fake fur.

_I hope I never find out,_ Dana thought as she fled the scene as fast as her legs could carry her. She had almost made it to the double doors of the hall-- looking to her very much like one would imagine salvation looking-- when she ran headfirst into someone. A very _familiar_ someone. Who was now on the floor from the impact. She had no time to place the stranger’s face as she helped him up and stammered her apologies. It didn’t really matter anyway, since he seemed to recognize her pretty quickly.

“Dana?”

His voice was even more familiar than his face, but Dana, still halfway in fight-or-flight mode from the Pikachu incident, just couldn’t figure it out for the life of her. She stared intently at his face, not registering the thud of footsteps until their creator was standing by the man’s side.

“Carlos, why have you stopped? We have to help-- Dana!” Well, _that’s_ a voice she could recognize anywhere. She turned her attention away from Cecil and back to Carlos, and wondered how she didn’t realize immediately. God knows she’d been sent enough pictures of his face-- mostly screenshots from streams-- with comments running the gamut from ‘isn’t he dreamy~  <3<3<3’ to ‘my nuts? **_BUSTED_ ** ’. (Many of them were between the hours of 1 and 3AM.) “Are you alright? Where’s Maureen?”

“Last I saw, she was trying to strangle Pikachu.” Dana put a hand to her chin in thought. “She might have taken off her boots by this point, though.” She saw Cecil blanch at the words.

“Oh gods. We have to stop her.” They both knew from experience just how well Maureen could wield that pair of steel-toed boots. Their shared moment of horror was interrupted as shouting echoed through the hall, followed up by the sight of Maureen being dragged out by security guards. Her boots were nowhere to be seen. She spotted Dana and wrestled an arm out of the guards’ grip to dramatically reach for her.

“Dana! You have to avenge meee!” The doors slammed closed behind the group, and their little corner of the hall fell into silence once again.

Dana glanced between the two men and cleared her throat. “So… how has your day been?”

Cecil immediately grinned and slung an arm around Carlos, who smiled in response. “Where do we even start?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this would be the final chapter, buuut I really want a lil happy epilogue for these nerds so keep an eye out for that!! I would have more notes for this section but honestly? I've been working on this chapter for so long that I forgot any and all jokes or comments I might have come up with  
> sorry if it's a lil short and heavy on dialogue, a lot of things have happened over the course of me writing this and my brain hasn't been in 'skilled writer mode' for a while so I've had to make do. just like them country girls.  
> thank you all again for reading and ESPECIALLY thank you for bearing with me through the wait!

**Author's Note:**

> if cringe culture is dead why do these tears come at night


End file.
